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Thread ID: 148141	2019-08-13 03:58:00	(Between) Mondays jokes...	R2x1 (4628)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1463021	2019-08-18 09:44:00	bitsandpieces.us :clap:clap:thumbs::thanks	R2x1 (4628)
1463022	2019-08-18 22:57:00	Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis , and Arnold Schwarzenegger are making a movie about classical composers. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart " Bruce Willis , "So.. I'll be Beethoven." Schwarzenegger announced , "in that case.. I'll be Bach Ken:)	kenj (9738)
1463023	2019-08-20 21:53:00	A little old lady went to buy cat food . She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat . Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat . Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat . " So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food . . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof . So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food . . . . One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole . The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there . " The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her . So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap . " . . . The lady replied, "It is . I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper . "	wainuitech (129)
1463024	2019-08-20 22:54:00	A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table . . He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her . Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man . He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back . 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place . 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you . ' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks . . . They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his . She listened to him with interest . After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast . They had a wonderful, wonderful time . The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings . The guy was amazed . Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman . . Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies . . . . . . . . . . 'it's just that you happened to catch my eye . '	R2x1 (4628)
1463025	2019-08-21 21:44:00	Safety boots could have (www.youtube.com) prevented this. (With an orange hat.)	R2x1 (4628)
1463026	2019-08-23 05:11:00	A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled " BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."......	wainuitech (129)
1463027	2019-08-26 06:21:00	For those in training perhaps? Note that in this team(?) two parties have different pathways, but nobody seems to be getting anywhere. 9898	R2x1 (4628)
1463028	2019-08-26 06:31:00	An old bloke in a retirement home was sitting, minding his own business when an old lady came up to him, lifted up her dress and cackled at him..... "Super sex, super sex" The old bloke sat there and after a minute of intense thinking, said...."I'll have the soup thanks" Ken :) ;)	kenj (9738)
1463029	2019-08-30 05:18:00	Did I read that sign right? "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ - In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------ Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so.) ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya' think? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works better than a fair trial! ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ****************************** ****************************** ******************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again!	Lurking (218)
1463030	2019-09-01 20:59:00	If you can read this then where the heck is my caravan? I'm learning about people the hard way, by being one. Did my morning exercise up 1,2,3, down 1,2,3 – then the other eyelid. Being part of the human race does not count as exercise. Hey, I'm still maintaining last year's New Years resolution of one sit-up per day - getting out of bed. Been asked to run the London Marathon for charity but I've had to decline as I've no experience of organizing something that big. I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then. It's a little known fact that 'the tan' became popular during what is known as the Bronze Age. If history repeats itself then I really want a dinosaur. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Adam was the only man not to have a mother-in-law -- he lived in paradise. I remember when I played Noah in a school play. Ah, those memories are flooding back. The top ice cream manufacturer in Biblical times was Walls of Jericho. Actually there were four wise men on the way to Bethlehem. One of them said he knew a shortcut. The Romans struggled to depict Scotland. The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had to first learn Latin.	R2x1 (4628)
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