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Thread ID: 115199	2011-01-06 22:24:00	Positive and/or Funny stories	lordnoddy (3645)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1167798	2011-01-06 22:24:00	Can anyone help brighten up Friday by giving me one or both of the above? :thanks	lordnoddy (3645)
1167799	2011-01-06 22:27:00	There was this time back in '42 . . . Jokes, not that old, yet! Just never get into a food fight with knights . they use catapults .	The Error Guy (14052)
1167800	2011-01-06 22:57:00	TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute ...:banana:banana	Arnie (6624)
1167801	2011-01-06 23:05:00	There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"	pctek (84)
1167802	2011-01-06 23:32:00	lol Love the Cow's Arnie! Pctek - I'm still WT*'ing over your re-telling of Little Red Riding Hood. Nice work.	lordnoddy (3645)
1167803	2011-01-07 03:55:00	A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm . Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents . She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do . The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair . She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it . The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out . " She decided to give it a try before spending that much money . She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbour came over to visit . "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide . "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde . "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbour . "Why not?" asked the first blonde . "Because you've got to roll up the windows first . "	tut (12033)
1167804	2011-01-07 03:59:00	Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn, "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican, " says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. “Show him your cross” says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"	tut (12033)
1167805	2011-01-07 04:22:00	/1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. ****The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. **** 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." *The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, *"Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender *** says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, ************ "Sorry we don't serve food in here ". 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt underhis arm **and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ***"Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" ****"That sounds like TomJones Syndrome." "Is it common?""It's Not Unusual." 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, ****Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this ***morning." **"I don't believe you, saidDolly. "It's true, no bull!" *****exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The ********kids were nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, ********"My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" *********"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So hepicks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, hesays, "I'm **** going to have to put him down." **********"What? Because he'scross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftan e' the puddin' race! Aboon thema' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as langs my arm." The Englishman is somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it." This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!" "Well," the Englishman muttered to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." "Nay, Nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the serious Burns unit." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * ************ Mary had a little pig, ************ She kept it fat and plastered; ************ And when the price of pork went up, *********** She shot the little b*d. ************ MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB ************ Her father shot it dead. ************ Now it goes to school with her, ************** Between two hunks of bread.	tut (12033)
1167806	2011-01-07 08:51:00	There's room for all of gods creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.	ubergeek85 (131)
1167807	2011-01-07 08:57:00	Cats, the other white meat.	tut (12033)
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