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Thread ID: 115856	2011-02-06 21:53:00	Monday Laughs....Gorilla mates with Wallaby, Aussie Floods....& other weird events...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1175755	2011-02-06 21:53:00	Auckland Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of smaller than average gorilla . After initially seeming to settle very well into her new surroundings, within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle . Upon close observation over a few days, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem . "The gorilla", he said, "was on heat . . . . . " This was quite a problem because there were no male gorillas of her particular species available, and to make matters worse, the female was in the prime of her reproductive life . While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo Management noticed Bruce, a big Aussie lad & former Wallaby front rower, walking past the Gorilla's enclosure and saw that she was watching him intently, every step of the way . Bruce was responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery, seemed to have the right physique and be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species . So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution and he was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Bruce showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully . The following day, Bruce announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I'm not too keen on kissin 'er . " "Secondly, you're not gunna never ever tell nobody about me and her, and I don't want no bloody spectators or hidden camera stuff either . ' The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was . "Well", said Bruce, "I'm flat flamin' broke . so you gotta give me a few days to get me Mum to send over the $500 . " ******************************** Dave was staring sadly into his glass of Heineken and sighed heavily . "What’s up Dave" asked the publican . "It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth . " "It’s my four year old son!" Dave replied . "Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting at pre-school? My lad’s just the same forget about it, it happens with boys that age" said the publican, sympathetically . "I only wish it was that," continued Dave, "but it’s far worse than that . The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant . " "Get away, that’s impossible!" gasped the publican . "No it’s not" said Dave . "The little sod stuck a pin through all my condoms!" ******************************** During the recent flooding in a small town in Queensland, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy . As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past . Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream . After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back . They watched as it did this a number of times . "Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement . "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again . " "Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy . "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today . " ******************************** The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello . " "Mrs . Sanders, please . " "Speaking . " "Mrs . Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory . When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr . Sanders arrived as well . . . . . . We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband . Frankly, either way the results are not too good . " "What do you mean?" Mrs . Sanders asks nervously . "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV . We can't tell which is which . " "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs . Sanders . "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once . " "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him! ******************************** 2011 Prayer Dear God, All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body . Please don’t mix these up again like you did last year . Amen Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
1175756	2011-02-06 22:51:00	Dear God, All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body . Please don’t mix these up again like you did last year . Amen :D	pctek (84)
1175757	2011-02-07 00:31:00	Excellent billy thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1175758	2011-02-07 20:45:00	A man went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled . The Dentist pulls out a needle to give him a shot . "No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said . The Dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected . "I can't do the gas thing either - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"! The dentist then asks the man if he had any objection to taking a pill . "No objection", the man said . "I'm fine with pills . " The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet" . The man, stunned, said in amazement, "WOW! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"! "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth" . . .	johcar (6283)
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