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Thread ID: 116342	2011-02-28 02:36:00	Paraprosdokians, Cooking, Canadian Blonde, and other miscellany................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1182015	2011-02-28 02:36:00	A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part . It is frequently used for humorous, satirical or dramatic effect: War does not determine who is right -- only who is left . Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad . To steal idea from one person is plagiarism . To steal from many is research . A bus station is where a bus stops . A train station is where a train stops . My desk is a work station . Do not argue with an idiot . He will drag you down to his level and defeat you through greater experience . If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong . Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't . I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory . The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Some people create happiness wherever they go . . . Others, whenever they go . I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car . The last thing I want to do is hurt you . But it's still on the list . We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public . I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way . So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness . How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Behind every successful man is his woman . Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman . You're never too old to learn something stupid . It is a common fallacy that you need a parachute to skydive . You only need a parachute if you wish to skydive twice . To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target . I used to be indecisive . Now I'm not sure . Nostalgia isn't what it used to be . Why do some people believe you if you tell them there are four billion stars in the night sky, but check when you say the paint is wet? The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese . Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish . I always take life with a grain of salt . . . plus a slice of lemon . . . and a shot of tequila . A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are chasing it, as it does when you are in it . Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine . ******************************** Kitchen Wisdom Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips . -Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway! To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes . -Buy freeze-dried mashed potato mix . Keeps in the pantry for up to a year . When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake . -Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you! If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up . ' -If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad . Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!' Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks . -Celery? Never heard of it! Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish . -The Mrs . Smith's frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't . Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead . The throbbing will go away . -Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves . They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy . -Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you . Don't throw out all that leftover wine . Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces . -Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!! ******************************** Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content . . . . As a New Brunswick trucker stops for a red light on Hwy . 11, a blonde catches up . . She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door . The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Monique, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street . When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again . She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door . Again, the trucker lowers the window . As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Monique, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street . At the third red light, the same thing happens again . All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door . The trucker lowers the window . Again she says, "Hi, my name is Monique, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light . When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde . He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the $&*#ing SALT TRUCK . . . . . . . . . . " ******************************** Training Manual Wisdom:- 'If the enemy is in range, so are you . ' - Infantry Journal- ---------------------------------------------------- 'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed . ' - US . Air Force Manual - ---------------------------------------------------- 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons . ' - General MacArthur - ---------------------------------------------------- 'Tracers work both ways . ' - Army Ordnance Manual- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Five second fuses last about three seconds . ' - Infantry Journal - ---------------------------------------------------- 'Any ship can be a minesweeper . Once . ' - Naval Ops Manual - ---------------------------------------------------- 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do . ' - Unknown Infantry Recruit- ---------------------------------------------------- 'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him . ' - Infantry Journal- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil . For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing . ' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops- ---------------------------------------------------- 'You've never really been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3 . ' - Paul F . Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)- ---------------------------------------------------- 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire . ' -Unknown pilot- ---------------------------------------------------- 'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe . ' - Fixed Wing Pilot- ---------------------------------------------------- 'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash . ' -Multi-Engine Training Manual- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club . ' -Unknown Author- ---------------------------------------------------- 'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos . ' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot . ' -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot- ---------------------------------------------------- 'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up, . . . . The pilot dies . ' -Sign over Control Tower Door- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Never trade luck for skill . ' -Author Unknown- ---------------------------------------------------- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh ****!' -Authors Unknown- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Airspeed, altitude, and brains . Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight . ' -Basic Flight Training Manual- ---------------------------------------------------- 'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it . ' - Emergency Checklist- ---------------------------------------------------- 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you . ' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) - ---------------------------------------------------- 'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime . ' - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ - ---------------------------------------------------- 'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal . 'Lead-in Fighter Training Manual' . ---------------------------------------------------- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives . The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’ What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1182016	2011-02-28 02:55:00	:clap Made my day Billy - thanks :D Been a looong one here.	Bozo (8540)
1182017	2011-02-28 03:01:00	Very good!! :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
1182018	2011-02-28 03:07:00	hahah brilliant cheers billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1182019	2011-02-28 03:09:00	Superb collection Billy. As always. :D	WalOne (4202)
1182020	2011-02-28 04:08:00	A fine finish to my first day of university :D	pcuser42 (130)
1182021	2011-02-28 11:30:00	Thanks billy, great way to start my day off.	ubergeek85 (131)
1182022	2011-02-28 11:31:00	Thanks once more!	Snorkbox (15764)
1182023	2011-03-03 21:26:00	Just wanted to resurrect this thread for a smile on Friday . . . . Daddy, how was I born? A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other . There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive . As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: "You've got male!"	johcar (6283)
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