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Thread ID: 116640 2011-03-13 17:22:00 Monday laughs. Cicero (40) PC World Chat
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1185869 2011-03-13 17:22:00 Billy is having a brief hol, so these will not be up to his standard . . . . . . . . . .






SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW .


'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE
BRITISH SOLDIER!'


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Campbeltown, Scotland .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement,
however, we are a society which holds freedom of speech as one of our
greatest liberties . After all, it is only a sign!

You may ask yourself 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR .

(Who said the Scots were dour and had no sense of humour?)

*********************************


A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun . She takes pity on him and decides to speak to
him .

'You OK?' she says .

'Yes . ' he says .

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says .

'It's best I stay here . ' he says .

'Why?' says the blonde .

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*#king goal keeper"

*********************************


A big shot lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital . He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
staff . consequently, none of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him .

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him . She came into his
room and announced, "I have to take your temperature Sir . " After complaining
for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened
his mouth .

"No, I'm sorry Sir," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
oral thermometer . " This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his behind .

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something . Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT please until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing .

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room . "What's going
on here?" asked the doctor . Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed . . . . . . "Yes, but not with a daffodil
attached . "

********************************


An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site .

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand .

He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping . '

To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shovelling . '

To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies . '

He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while . I expect you men to make
a dent in that pile of sand . '

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was
untouched .

He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom . You saida to the China fella he wasa
ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him
nowhere . '

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile . '

The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself
a shoovel . Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna
fin' him either . '

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese gent .

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,




'SUPPLIES!!!'

********************************


Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work . '

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today . When
I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex . . That
makes everything better and I go to work . You try that . ' Two hours later
Hung Chow calls again .

'I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon . . . you got nice
house Boss . '

*********************************


The Centipede . . . . . .

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet . So he went to the Pet Store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet . After some discussion, he finally bought a Centipede, which
came in a little white box to use as his house .

He took his purchase back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink,
so he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet .

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again,
there was no answer from his new friend and pet, so he waited a few minutes
more minutes, thinking about the situation then he decided to ask him one
more time .

This time he put his face right up against the centipede's house and
shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
drink with me?

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!




A little voice came out of the box . . . . . . . . . . .

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on . "

*********************************


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army .

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb .

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair .

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush .

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth .

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap .

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years . 		Cicero (40)
1185870 2011-03-13 17:49:00 Q> how much cocaine did charlie sheen snort.


A> Enough to kill two and a half men 		plod (107)
1185871 2011-03-13 18:20:00 Q> how much cocaine did charlie sheen snort.


A> Enough to kill two and a half men

I thought he had been replaced by whats his name? 		Cicero (40)
1185872 2011-03-13 18:52:00 :D good stuff :D

Great start to the morning! 		Chilling_Silence (9)
1185873 2011-03-13 19:23:00 Good laugh :D

Thanks Cicero :thanks 		Bozo (8540)
1185874 2011-03-13 22:22:00 Cicero, you have excelled! Well done! :D Richard (739)
1185875 2011-03-13 22:26:00 I liked the one about the Chinaman... :lol: Agent_24 (57)
1185876 2011-03-13 22:28:00 Cicero, you have excelled! Well done! :D

Good to see you are up Richard. 		Cicero (40)
1185877 2011-03-13 23:09:00 Thanks for that, Cicero. Another to add to the laughs for today:

Two eskimoes, fishing in their kayak were feeling the cold, so they lit a fire in the bottom of their craft and, obviously, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.:D 		Ulsterman (12815)
1185878 2011-03-13 23:41:00 Well done C. Here's one for you. Play the video and appreciate the sound effects.


nz.sports.yahoo.com 		Scouse (83)
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