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Thread ID: 116793	2011-03-20 18:06:00	Monday Laughs	Cicero (40)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1187807	2011-03-20 18:06:00	Billy will be back next week, so we can all relax and get back to normal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b . . . d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar . 2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips 3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs? 4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so . It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain . Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5% ! " The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate" 5) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch . The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg' The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee' The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?' The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl' The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?' The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it' The Barman says 'What? ! ? ! ' The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr . . . I'd only had the hook one day . . . ' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A special study was commissioned in NZ to determine why the head of a man's member is bigger than the rest of it . After 1 year and 1 . 5 million dollars the researchers concluded that it was to give the man more pleasure . Following the international publication of the results of the new Zealand study, a similar project was commenced in France and after 3 years and 5 million dollars, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure . Australia, not to be outdone, also studied the same subject . After 2 weeks and 8 cases of beer they determined that it was to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead . Supposedly, a young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy? I'm going to be honest with what I'm going to say here . I'm 25 this year, I'm very pretty, I have style and good taste, and I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above . You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered as only middle class in New York . My requirements are not high . Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry a rich person like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit . If someone is going to move into high-cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough . I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurants, and gyms) . 2) Which age group should I target? 3) Why are so many wives of the richest guys only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks & are not interesting, but they are still able to marry rich guys . 4) How do you decide who can be your wife, & who can only be your girlfriend? (My target now is to get married) . Ms . Pretty Awesome reply: Dear Ms . Pretty, I have read your post with great interest . I guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours . Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor . My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here . From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you . The answer is very simple, so let me explain . Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person 'A' provides beauty, and Person 'B' pays for it, fair and square . However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason . The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year . Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciating asset, and you are a depreciating asset . It's not just normal depreciation either, but exponential depreciation . If that is your only asset, your value will be much lower in 10 years time . By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading option has a position, and dating with you is also a "trading position" . If the trade value drops it will not be a good idea to keep it for the long term, so we will sell it - and the same goes with the marriage that you wanted . It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision; any assets with a hight depreciation rate should be sold or "leased" . Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we might date you, but will not marry you . I would advise that you forget looking for any hints on how to marry a rich guy, and by the way, you could yourself become a rich person with a $500k annual income . This has a better chance than finding a rich fool . However, if you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me . . . Hope this reply helps . Signed, CEO They're standing around on the corner and they can't speak English . I can't even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain't, Where you is, What he drive, Where he stay, Where he work, Who you be . . . And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk . And then I heard the father talk . Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads . You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth . In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living . People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around? The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal . These people are not parenting . They are buying things for kids . $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics . I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit . Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is his father? Or who is his father? People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and has all type of needles [piercings] going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from?? We are not Africans . Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa . I say this all of the time . It would be like white people saying they are European-American . That is totally stupid . I was born here, and so were my parents and grandparents, and very likely, my great-grandparents . I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already ! ! ! With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap . . . . . and all of them are in jail . Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem . We have got to take the neighbourhood back . People used to be ashamed . Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now . We have millionaire football players who cannot read . We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs . We, as black folks have to do a better job . Someone with seven kids, working at Wal-Mart, you are hurting us . We have to start holding each other to a higher standard . We cannot blame the white people any longer . Dr . William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr . , Ed . D . It's NOT about colour . . . It's about behaviour ! ! ! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW . 'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE BRITISH SOLDIER ! ' This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement, however, we are a society which holds freedom of speech as one of our greatest liberties . After all, it is only a sign ! You may ask yourself 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?' Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR . (Who said the Scots were dour and had no sense of humour?)	Cicero (40)
1187808	2011-03-20 19:32:00	Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR . :D Cheers Cicero, great start to the day :p	Bozo (8540)
1187809	2011-03-20 19:47:00	Thanks for standing in Cicero.	Snorkbox (15764)
1187810	2011-03-20 19:59:00	The first part was funny, the rest totally true and more of a lesson for all. Still appreciated :)	Gobe1 (6290)
1187811	2011-03-20 21:37:00	Thanks Cicero for being Temp. Hon. Bill T :thanks	WalOne (4202)
1187812	2011-03-21 02:25:00	I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies: Banking 'Service' Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Pay TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' City, State & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' Bureaucratic 'Service' This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to 'Service' his cows. Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!	KenESmith (6287)
1187813	2011-03-21 03:53:00	CONFESSION An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession . When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father . . During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis . So I hid her in my attic . " The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that . " "There is more to tell, Father . . She started to repay me with sexual favors . This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays . " The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh . However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven . " "Thank you, Father . That's a great load off my mind . I do have one more question . " "And what is that?" asked the priest . "Should I tell her the war is over?'' :D	smithie 38 (6684)
1187814	2011-03-21 08:58:00	Billy will be back next week, so we can all relax and get back to normal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b . . . d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar . 2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips 3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs? 4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so . It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain . Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5% ! " The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate" 5) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch . The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg' The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee' The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?' The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl' The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?' The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it' The Barman says 'What? ! ? ! ' The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr . . . I'd only had the hook one day . . . ' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A special study was commissioned in NZ to determine why the head of a man's member is bigger than the rest of it . After 1 year and 1 . 5 million dollars the researchers concluded that it was to give the man more pleasure . Following the international publication of the results of the new Zealand study, a similar project was commenced in France and after 3 years and 5 million dollars, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure . Australia, not to be outdone, also studied the same subject . After 2 weeks and 8 cases of beer they determined that it was to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead . Supposedly, a young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy? I'm going to be honest with what I'm going to say here . I'm 25 this year, I'm very pretty, I have style and good taste, and I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above . You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered as only middle class in New York . My requirements are not high . Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry a rich person like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit . If someone is going to move into high-cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough . I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurants, and gyms) . 2) Which age group should I target? 3) Why are so many wives of the richest guys only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks & are not interesting, but they are still able to marry rich guys . 4) How do you decide who can be your wife, & who can only be your girlfriend? (My target now is to get married) . Ms . Pretty Awesome reply: Dear Ms . Pretty, I have read your post with great interest . I guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours . Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor . My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here . From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you . The answer is very simple, so let me explain . Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person 'A' provides beauty, and Person 'B' pays for it, fair and square . However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason . The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year . Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciating asset, and you are a depreciating asset . It's not just normal depreciation either, but exponential depreciation . If that is your only asset, your value will be much lower in 10 years time . By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading option has a position, and dating with you is also a "trading position" . If the trade value drops it will not be a good idea to keep it for the long term, so we will sell it - and the same goes with the marriage that you wanted . It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision; any assets with a hight depreciation rate should be sold or "leased" . Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we might date you, but will not marry you . I would advise that you forget looking for any hints on how to marry a rich guy, and by the way, you could yourself become a rich person with a $500k annual income . This has a better chance than finding a rich fool . However, if you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me . . . Hope this reply helps . Signed, CEO They're standing around on the corner and they can't speak English . I can't even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain't, Where you is, What he drive, Where he stay, Where he work, Who you be . . . And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk . And then I heard the father talk . Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads . You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth . In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living . People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around? The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal . These people are not parenting . They are buying things for kids . $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics . I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit . Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is his father? Or who is his father? People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and has all type of needles [piercings] going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from?? We are not Africans . Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa . I say this all of the time . It would be like white people saying they are European-American . That is totally stupid . I was born here, and so were my parents and grandparents, and very likely, my great-grandparents . I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already ! ! ! With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap . . . . . and all of them are in jail . Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem . We have got to take the neighbourhood back . People used to be ashamed . Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now . We have millionaire football players who cannot read . We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs . We, as black folks have to do a better job . Someone with seven kids, working at Wal-Mart, you are hurting us . We have to start holding each other to a higher standard . We cannot blame the white people any longer . Dr . William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr . , Ed . D . It's NOT about colour . . . It's about behaviour ! ! ! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW . 'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE BRITISH SOLDIER ! ' This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement, however, we are a society which holds freedom of speech as one of our greatest liberties . After all, it is only a sign ! You may ask yourself 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?' Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR . (Who said the Scots were dour and had no sense of humour?) Well, great work ! You have helped me to improve my knowledge about this field . Thank you so much for sharing . __________________ watch online movies (http://letswatchmovies . org)	sadmemories20 (16290)
1187815	2011-03-21 10:13:00	Reported.	ubergeek85 (131)
1187816	2011-03-22 23:19:00	Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white !	johcar (6283)
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