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Thread ID: 117420	2011-04-18 00:44:00	Monday Laughs......Let's offend everybody today, followed by Medical Advice...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1195333	2011-04-18 00:44:00	SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone . ----------------------- What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag . ----------------------- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it . ----------------------- What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever . ----------------------- What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities . ----------------------- What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs . ----------------------- What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes . ----------------------- What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife . ----------------------- Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism . ----------------------- Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends . ----------------------- What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you . ----------------------- What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving . ----------------------- A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9 . Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18 . ----------------------- What's the difference between a porcupine and a Harley? Nothing, they both have the prlcks on the outside . ----------------------- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' ----------------------- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes . ----------------------- What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment . ----------------------- What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe . ----------------------- How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F . . . Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! ----------------------- What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time . . . ' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shlt . . . ' ----------------------- Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides ********************************* Meet our NEW Family Doctor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dr DoWhatYouLike! Q&A . . . . . . Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life . Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it . . . Don't waste on exercise . Everything wear out eventually . Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster . Want to live longer? Take nap . ----------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all . Wine made from fruit . Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way . Beer also made of grain . Bottom up! ----------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one . If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc . ----------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry . My philosophy is: No pain . . . good! ----------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil . In fact, they soaking by it . How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? ----------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger . You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach . ----------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! ----------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me . . ----------------------- Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well . . . I hope that has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about exercise, drinking, food and diets . And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND . . . . . For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health . It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies . 1 . The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans . 2 . The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans . 3 . The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans . 4 . The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans . . 5 . The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans . CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like . Speaking English is apparently what kills you . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1195334	2011-04-18 01:46:00	Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" Love it! :D :clap	Bozo (8540)
1195335	2011-04-18 02:48:00	Brilliant Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1195336	2011-04-18 03:06:00	Excellent as usual Billy	gary67 (56)
1195337	2011-04-18 04:48:00	Thanks Billy. You make Mondays worth looking forward to :D	WalOne (4202)
1195338	2011-04-18 07:49:00	The Arrogance of Authority A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher . He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs . " The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there . . . . . ", as he pointed out the location . The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, as an Officer of the DEA, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher . "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear . . . . . . . do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores . A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . . With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety . The officer was clearly terrified . The rancher threw down his tools and ran for the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs . . . . . . . . "Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE . . . . . . . . !!"	KenESmith (6287)
1195339	2011-04-18 07:55:00	I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought their usually pick cotton	plod (107)
1195340	2011-04-18 10:13:00	OMG Plod just wait for the feedback on that one!!:yuck:	ReefRunner (16049)
1195341	2011-04-18 10:39:00	The story goes like this: TWO PRAWNS Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around . One called Justin and the other called Christian . The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area . Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten . ' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark . Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate . Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely . All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them . Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight . While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn . He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn . With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail . Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal . 'Where's Christian?' he asked . 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply . Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode . As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back . He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again . ' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me . You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner . ' Justin cried back 'No, I'm not . That was the old me . I've changed . ' . . . . . . . . . 'I've found Cod . I'm a Prawn again Christian' ************************************************** * The Coat ( . com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli . html%3e" target="_blank">elrellano . com) ************************************************** ***** Comeback Lines: In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America . His answer was classic Schwarzkopf . The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function . . . . . OUR job is to arrange the meeting . *************************	wainuitech (129)
1195342	2011-04-18 11:02:00	I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought they usually pick cotton LMFAO:lol:	goodiesguy (15316)
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