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Thread ID: 117874	2011-05-08 23:55:00	Monday Laughs..........Blly Connolly, Aspirin Tax, Swine Flu.. and more............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1200701	2011-05-08 23:55:00	Billy Connolly Quotes of the Century: 'If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?' Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby . "Is this yours?" she asked . "Probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else . " A Boston girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?" My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio . Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!! They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right . After 8 pints I talk shlt and can't drive to save myself! A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard . " A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brother's got a moustache!" A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me" . "Yes . . . . . Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!" And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid . "It's the best in the world", he said . "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve" . ********************************* Coming soon - The Aspirin Tax: The Government is going to impose a 40% tax on Aspirin! Why, you may ask . . ? Well, primarily because it's WHITE and it WORKS! ********************************* Winter is coming, and with it further flu fears, so here's some Swine Flu Humour to help you through:- Just phoned the hospital swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling . How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu . Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway . The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers . If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent . Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse . . . But we'll get through, where there's a swill there's a way . This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none . And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype haemaglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 3 . The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of special oinkment . My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies . I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring . ********************************* Why you should emigrate to Australia in a small boat and without a passport . If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labour . If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely . If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot . If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed . If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again . If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed . If you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into a Political Prison to rot . IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET: * A job, * An interpreter, * Free legal aid, * A drivers licence, * A social security number, * Welfare, * Credit cards, * Free education, * Free health care, * The right to carry a NZ flag while you protest that you do not get enough respect . Not convinced yet? Then consider these additional benfits: The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance:- BENEFIT: AUSTRALIAN PENSIONER----------------------------ILLEGALS/REFUGEES Weekly allowance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $253 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $472 . 50 Weekly Spouse allowance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $56 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 472 . 50 Additional weekly hardship allowance . . . $00 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $145 . 00 TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16,068 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 56,680 ********************************* OK, Ok, one last joke to get the Aussie taste out of your mouth . . . . . . . . . . A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband . Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen . 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once . TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM! NOW! We need more butter . Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them . You know you always forget to salt them . Use the salt . USE THE SALT! THE SALT! THE SALT!' His wife stared at him . 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'No, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving . ' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1200702	2011-05-09 00:08:00	Thannks Billy T. Always nice to start the week with a smile.	tut (12033)
1200703	2011-05-09 00:54:00	Brilliant Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1200704	2011-05-09 01:09:00	A few laughs there - thanks.	Bobh (5192)
1200705	2011-05-09 01:18:00	Why you should emigrate to Australia in a small boat and without a passport . If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labour . If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely . If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot . If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed . If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again . If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed . If you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into a Political Prison to rot . IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET: * A job, * An interpreter, * Free legal aid, * A drivers licence, * A social security number, * Welfare, * Credit cards, * Free education, * Free health care, * The right to carry a NZ flag while you protest that you do not get enough respect . Not convinced yet? Then consider these additional benfits: The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance:- BENEFIT: AUSTRALIAN PENSIONER----------------------------ILLEGALS/REFUGEES Weekly allowance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $253 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $472 . 50 Weekly Spouse allowance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $56 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 472 . 50 Additional weekly hardship allowance . . . $00 . 00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $145 . 00 TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16,068 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 56,680 ********************************* That's not funny . It's BS anyway - see here: . hoax-slayer . com/refugee-payment-hoax . shtml" target="_blank">www . hoax-slayer . com And my mum was arefugee . Yes, you do get shot in some countries . But NZ anyway, you sure don't get any special assistance . Other than my mum, I knew a refugee family a few years ago . Mum and duaghter, which was all that's left of the family . They sure didn't get any interpreters, extra money, or anything . Job - well, she had to go down to Winz like the rest of the unemployed and you should have seen what they were living in and what was in the place . Pride of place was the girls room, a bed and a box with a pretty cloth over it - with the Win98, dialup computer . Donated by her teacher . And yes, she really did use it for schoolwork . It was the only thing in there apart from a table with no dining chairs, and one armchair . God knows where her mum slept, on the floor I suppose .	pctek (84)
1200706	2011-05-09 03:30:00	His wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'No, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' Brilliant - loved it. :D :thumbs: Thanks again Billy.	Bozo (8540)
1200707	2011-05-09 06:28:00	At the reception following the marriage ceremony, Kate asked the Queen for the secret to a long and happy married life. The Queen replied "Wear a seat belt and NEVER, EVER, piss me off". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ President Bush tried and failed. President Clinton tried and failed. President Obama tried and succeeded. The moral of this is... if you want someone dead, hire a black guy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~	R2x1 (4628)
1200708	2011-05-09 08:09:00	Thanks Billy :thumbs:	Renmoo (66)
1200709	2011-05-09 11:50:00	Cheers billy	ubergeek85 (131)
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