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Thread ID: 118016	2011-05-16 02:39:00	Monday Laughs....Ten Commandments, calories, Computer Error, and something different.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1202415	2011-05-16 02:39:00	The Ten Commandments For Bridegrooms . 1 . Thou shalt hold thy wife's hand more often than thou wouldst hold the remote control . 2 . Thou shalt not take thy mother in law's name in vain . 3 . Thou shalt always remember to put the toilet seat down, especially at night when thy wife needeth not a light by which to pee . 4 . Thou shalt honour thy wife's birthday, and with gifts purchased by thyself, not thine secretary . 5 . Thou shalt always send thy wife flowers whenever thou screws up . 6 . Thou shalt remember to say "I love you" every day . 7 . Thou shalt not borrow thy wife's car . 8 . Thou shalt never utter those four little words "have you put on weight?" 9 . Thou shalt always have a reliable witness when staying out late . 10 . Thou shalt be grateful always that thy wife had the good sense to pick thee . ********************************* What is a calorie? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter . MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHlTS . ********************************* A man in a Wellington supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce . The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce . The man persists and asks to see the manager . The boy says he'll ask his manager about it . Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehoIe wants to buy half a head of lettuce . " As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half . " The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way . Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier . We like people who think on their feet here . Where are you from, son?" "Australia, sir," the boy replied . "Well, why did you leave Aussie?" the manager asked . The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and league players over there . " "Really?" said the manager . "My wife is from Australia . " "No shlt?" replied the boy . "Who'd she play for?" ********************************* A woman was in town on a shopping trip . She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second . In the third everything had just been reduced to $20 when her mobile phone rang . It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU . The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible . As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops . She decided that as she was on a roll she would get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital . She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop . She was jubilant, then she remembered her husband! Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital . She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition . The lady doctor glared at her and shouted; "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been lying in the Intensive Care Unit!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care . And you'll have to be his nurse!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed . . . . . . . . . . . The lady doctor then chuckled and said; "I'm really sorry . . . I'm just pulling your leg, actually he's dead . So what did you buy?" ********************************* ID Ten T Computer Error I was having trouble with my computer . So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over . Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem . As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error . " I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again . " Richard grinned . . . . "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied . "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out . " So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T . . . and to think I used to like the little shlt . . . . . . . . . . . . . ********************************* A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old) . Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a twelve-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker . The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle . I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer . I told the family we couldn't do anything for him, and offered to perform the euthanaesia procedure for the old dog in their home so that he could pass on among those who loved him . As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure . They felt that Shane might learn something important from the experience . The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him . Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on . Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away . The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion . We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives . Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why . '' Startled, we all turned to him . What came out of his mouth next stunned me . I'd never heard a more comforting explanation . It has changed the way I try and live . He said, ''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The Six-year-old continued,''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long . '' More wisdom we can learn from dogs: Live simply . Love generously . Care deeply . . Speak kindly . Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them . Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride . Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy . Take frequent naps . Stretch before rising . Run, romp, and play daily . Thrive on attention and let people touch you . Avoid biting when a simple growl will do . On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass . On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree . When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body . Delight in the simple joy of a long walk . Be loyal . Never pretend to be something you're not . If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it . When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently . ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY! Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1202416	2011-05-16 02:58:00	Thankyou Billy the week has started	gary67 (56)
1202417	2011-05-16 03:11:00	made my day thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1202418	2011-05-16 03:18:00	Joe wanted to buy a motorbike . He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it . The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old . It is shiny and in absolute mint condition . He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years . ‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome . It protects it from the rain . ’ and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline . That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents for the first time . Naturally, they take the bike there . Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in . ’ ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk . In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes . ’ ‘No problem,’ he says . And in they go . Joe is shocked . Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes . In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes . Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes . They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word . As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation . So he leans over and kisses Sandra . No one says a word . So he reaches over and fondles her breasts . Still, nobody says a word . So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents . His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word . He looks at her mum . . ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks . So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table . Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence . All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain . Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouted… . ‘I’ll do the b****** dishes!!!’	johcar (6283)
1202419	2011-05-16 10:05:00	Should Kids Witness a Birth? It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was bom. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"	mikebartnz (21)
1202420	2011-05-16 10:35:00	That ID ten T error tickled my fancy. I am sure it is a cause of a lot of computer errors including mine.	Bobh (5192)
1202421	2011-05-17 05:07:00	ID10T :lol:	icow (15313)
1202422	2011-05-17 05:40:00	Thanks for the humour guys. :D	WalOne (4202)
1202423	2011-05-18 22:59:00	I know it's Thursday, but I just got this one and had to pass it on! 'Circumcised' A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.'	johcar (6283)
1202424	2011-05-19 10:00:00	I know it's Thursday, but I just got this one and had to pass it on! 'Circumcised' A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.' :D lol	bot (15449)
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