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Thread ID: 118478	2011-06-06 22:25:00	Monday Laughs....(Tuesday Edition)....To help you recover from the long weekend!....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1207342	2011-06-06 22:25:00	Snippets: The Irish have solved their own fuel problems, they imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. --------------------------- My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." --------------------------- The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." --------------------------- Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me down, I know this face but I can’t put a name to it." The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard, it's me!" --------------------------- Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." --------------------------- Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!" ********************************* Beginner's Guide to Commonly Used Marketing Terms NEW - Different colour from previous design. ALL NEW - No parts are interchangeable with previous model/design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNIQUE - We don't know what our designer was high on when he drew this one. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for any adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - We managed to get all parts to fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with Distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work (see High Reliability). BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - 'Impossible to repair' OR 'Cannot be dismantled for service'. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell. LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining. FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free. HIGH RELIABILITY - Well, we managed to get it to work long enough to ship it. NON-REFUNDABLE - On a good day, with a following wind, it should work long enough for us to move our plant to China. ********************************* More Snippets: A dyslexic man walks into a bra --------------------------- Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before --------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh --------------------------- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road" --------------------------- When blondes have more fun, do they know it? --------------------------- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --------------------------- An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --------------------------- Droughts happen when God doesn't pay his water bill. --------------------------- I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. --------------------------- As a matter of principle, I refuse to reply to anonymous letters. --------------------------- Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. --------------------------- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. --------------------------- I walked past an aboriginal sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said, "Any change mate"? I said no, you're still black. --------------------------- I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastards. --------------------------- I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to". --------------------------- I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised three big blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F%$@! me". What happened next will haunt me forever! :eek: ********************************* Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa also made his way to the set and he put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him, shook her head and said: 'You just don't understand, you old coot... The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1207343	2011-06-06 23:45:00	Cheers Billy!	lordnoddy (3645)
1207344	2011-06-07 01:08:00	Those were great! :D	Agent_24 (57)
1207345	2011-06-07 01:55:00	Excellent	gary67 (56)
1207346	2011-06-07 02:26:00	Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
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