Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 119610	2011-07-31 22:19:00	Monday Laughs.....Fresh stock for August, and a touch of the Aussies...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1220257	2011-07-31 22:19:00	A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS A WINNER The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race......and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT AGAIN The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey, so the Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent. The local paper, posted the following headline the next day: NUN NOW HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. When he recovered, he informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN AGREES TO SELL HER ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ADVISES THAT HER ASS IS NOW FREE AND RUNNING WILD The Bishop was buried the next day. Moral: Don't Believe everything you read in the Newspapers... Really... Don't... you never know what is truly happening!!!!!!!! ********************************* A pirate stomped into a bar, and the bartender hailed him: "Ahoy me hearty, I haven't clapped me eyes on ye in many a while. What happened? You looks terrible." "What do you mean?" sez the pirate, "I feels fine." "What about the wooden leg then?' sez the bartender, "yez never has that afore." "Arr, that," sez the pirate, "We wuz in a battle y'see, an I got hit with a cannon ball like, but Oi'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, that's as may be then, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We wuz in another battle, an I boarded a ship an got inter a foight with me sword, then a black-hearted scoundrel cut off me hand. So, I got fit with the hook y'see, but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch then?" asked the bartender. "Oh that?" said the pirate, "well, one fine pirating day we wuz at sea like, and a mess of big seabirds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me eye, dead to rights he did." "You're jesting me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop!" "Arrr", sez the pirate, but it were me first day with me hook." ********************************* The Cash for Clunkers Scheme a John Clarke, Bryan Dawes political skit from Aussie TV (The Customer) [Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN] John: Morning! Looking for a new car? Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually. John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind? Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B. John: You mean like a Howard? Bryan: Yeah. ...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles. John: So.... you used to have one? Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model, don’t know why I got rid of him --biggest mistake I’ve ever made. John: What happened? Bryan: Traded him in for an '07 Kevin. John: Big mistake... Bryan: Lots of people bought it. Good political mileage. John: How was the '07 Kevin? Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good. John: Anything else? Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon. John: Didn’t stick around for long did it? Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again. John: What was the problem? Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way. John: Whatcha got now? Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown. John: The hybrid? Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse... John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that’s the one? Bryan: Yep. The Fustercluck model. John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system? Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere. John: So that’s why you’re here? Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a vehicle that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme? John: Join the queue brother. (Yes, we all know JC is a Kiwi, but NZ was just too small for a talent that big.) ********************************* A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!' As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a rather disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze [insert personal political prejudice here], a couple of [select from your least favoured ethnicities], an Indian spin bowler, and a Kiwi goal kicker. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1220258	2011-07-31 22:24:00	brilliant :clap :clap	GameJunkie (72)
1220259	2011-07-31 22:52:00	A bit stingy there, aren't you, GJ? :clap:clap:clap :thumbs: :D	WalOne (4202)
1220260	2011-07-31 23:15:00	Great ones today Billy... 'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Hone Harawira Statue, a couple of German police and British chefs, an Indian spin bowler, and a Kiwi goal kicker.	wratterus (105)
1220261	2011-07-31 23:20:00	Some gold there today Billy, thanks :D :D	Bozo (8540)
1220262	2011-07-31 23:28:00	'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Hone Hawera, a couple of Maoris, Steve Jobs, and the CEO of Symantec. Cheers Billy 8-{) :) :D	pcuser42 (130)
1220263	2011-07-31 23:50:00	If you haven't done so already, it is worth googling fustercluck as well. As expressions go, she's a little beauty. :D Opened my eyes............ Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1220264	2011-07-31 23:53:00	If you haven't done so already, it is worth googling fustercluck as well. As expressions go, she's a little beauty. :D Opened my eyes............ Cheers Billy 8-{) I got that the first time, very good. :p	wratterus (105)
1220265	2011-08-01 01:51:00	It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; Iintend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH!T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited back.	johcar (6283)
1220266	2011-08-01 02:01:00	:D:thanks	Bobh (5192)
1 2