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Thread ID: 120772	2011-09-25 21:00:00	Monday Laughs.....Quotes worth quoting, and Marriage Lines. ........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1233586	2011-09-25 21:00:00	. . . Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year, while they are asleep. - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHADDUP. - Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ********************************* Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ********************************* Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' ********************************* Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ********************************* Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.' ********************************* A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune!' ********************************* A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Most of all, I like your sense of humour!' ********************************* A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologised and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit him again. His wife replied.... 'Your horse phoned' ---------------------------------- May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door. ---------------------------------- Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1233587	2011-09-25 21:12:00	lol	goodiesguy (15316)
1233588	2011-09-25 21:31:00	haha brilliant From email last week: The Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for R199.50, Shopping Barbie for R199.50, Beach Barbie for R199.50, Disco Barbie for R199.50, Ballerina Barbie for R199.50, Astronaut Barbie for R199.50, Skater Barbie for R199.50, and Divorced Barbie for R2659.50'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie R2659.50 and the others only R199.50?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.	Gobe1 (6290)
1233589	2011-09-25 22:00:00	nice one Gobe1 :D	GameJunkie (72)
1233590	2011-09-25 22:02:00	3191	johcar (6283)
1233591	2011-09-25 22:07:00	haha brilliant From email last week: The Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for R199.50, Shopping Barbie for R199.50, Beach Barbie for R199.50, Disco Barbie for R199.50, Ballerina Barbie for R199.50, Astronaut Barbie for R199.50, Skater Barbie for R199.50, and Divorced Barbie for R2659.50'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie R2659.50 and the others only R199.50?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. I've read that somewhere before...let me think...Google+ of course ;-)	wmoore (6009)
1233592	2011-09-26 00:14:00	You might find the image I posted on G+ too... :)	johcar (6283)
1233593	2011-09-26 00:18:00	:lol::lol:	gary67 (56)
1233594	2011-09-26 07:32:00	Brilliant as ever Billy. Here's a current one doing the email rounds: >> THE LOVING HUSBAND >> A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As >> he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting >> in the seat next to him. "No .... ," he says, "the seat is empty." >> >> "This is incredible ..... !" said the man, "who in their right mind >> would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest >> sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ......... ?" >> >> He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was >> supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup >> Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married .... ....." >> >> "Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you >> couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a >> neighbour, to take the seat .... ?" >> >> The man shakes his head . . ., "No ....... . They're all at the >> funeral."	PPp (9511)
1233595	2011-09-27 01:18:00	Everytime you see something marketed as 'Cloud' based or 'Cloud' anything just mentally remove the word cloud from the product and add "For Suckers (TM)". You'll save yourself a lot of fuss, hassle and confusion.	Agent_24 (57)
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