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Thread ID: 121050	2011-10-09 20:10:00	Monday Laughs:....Rugby jokes, Lectures and the Rectum Stretcher .................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1236497	2011-10-09 20:10:00	. . . An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the evils of smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? So who's giving that kinda lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." ********************************* Little Eddie Cooper was at school this morning and the teacher asked each child to stand up and tell the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Dairy Farmer, Captain of Industry etc. But Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. Eddie slowly stood up, shuffled his feet a bit, looked down at the floor and quickly muttered: 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if they offer him lots of money he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him', then he quickly sat down. The teacher speedily set the other children some work then took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true. 'No Miss', said Edward, 'Actually he plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say. ********************************* This morning I went to sign my dogs up with Social Welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have not a frigging clue who their Daddies are, yet they expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first payments next month. Damn, this is a great country under John Key's regime! ********************************* While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop sneered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And exactly what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$shole ? " he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." ********************************* Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years, please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Best of all, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows so we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired or injured." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You've just been named in the team for next Saturday." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1236498	2011-10-09 20:34:00	hahaaa brilliant thanks Billy :thumbs:	Gobe1 (6290)
1236499	2011-10-09 20:50:00	All good jokes there. Made my Monday. :thanks	Bobh (5192)
1236500	2011-10-09 20:58:00	:lol: Thanks Billy.	WalOne (4202)
1236501	2011-10-09 23:24:00	In the team for Saturday, that's good	gary67 (56)
1236502	2011-10-10 05:34:00	An Englishman, an Irishman, and a South African walk into a bar... at the Auckland Airport departure lounge...	allblack (6574)
1236503	2011-10-10 06:37:00	An Englishman, an Irishman, and a South African walk into a bar... at the Auckland Airport departure lounge... :D hahahaha	Fifthdawn (9467)
1236504	2011-10-10 07:01:00	great stuff :D	GameJunkie (72)
1236505	2011-10-14 02:22:00	not sure if these are true go them in email today: Sort of fit with the Darwin Awards thread lol IDIOT SIGHTING 1 My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.. Do not confuse the girls at MacD's. IDIOT SIGHTING 2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent UK IDIOT SIGHTING 3 I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Crayford, Kent, UK IDIOT SIGHTING 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Gillingham Kent, UK. IDIOT SIGHTING 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened Luton Airport ...... UK IDIOT SIGHTING 6 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK IDIOT SIGHTING 7 When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK. STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!	Gobe1 (6290)
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