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| Thread ID: 121541 | 2011-10-30 20:16:00 | Monday Laughs:...... Dogs, Cats, Women, and an aussie joke........... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1240811 | 2011-10-30 20:16:00 | . . . A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife went to the vet for help. The vet told the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she said. Next night she tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles and sure enough, the dog stopped snoring. The woman was amazed. Later that night, her husband returned home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and began snoring loudly. His wife decided that the ribbon trick might work on him, so, she got a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.Amazingly, it also works on him and she slept soundly. The husband woke from his drunken stupor, stumbled to the bathroom. While in front of the pan, he saw the blue ribbon attached to his privates.He was very confused, then while walking back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and whispered, I don't know where we were or what we did, but, holy crap, we came FIRST and SECOND! ********************************* A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger dodos than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.' ********************************* How To Give A Cat A Pill, And Why You Should Have A Dog Instead This has been run before, but I don't recall seeing the full version. 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for repair later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 1 1. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for the date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 1 2. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid flying cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 1 3. Tie cat’s paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty leather pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 1 4. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 1 5. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. .... 1 6. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL Drop it on the floor. ********************************* Ten useful tips to pass on to the Sisterhood............... 1. Don't imagine you can change a man..... - unless he's in nappies. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out on you....? -remember to shut the door after him. 3. If they put a man on the moon..... - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Go for the younger man.... -You might as well, they never mature anyway. 5. Men are all the same..... - they just have different faces so we can tell them apart. 6. The best way to get a man to do something....? -Suggest he is too old for it. 7. Love may be blind..... - but marriage is a real eye-opener. 8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years..... - So even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 9. If he asks what sort of card games you like to play..... - tell him credit. 10. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes..... - it means that you laugh at his. ********************************* And the Aussie joke? QUANTAS They've never flown a plane into the shlt, but now they've gone and dropped their whole damned fleet into it. Cheers Billy 8-{) :) |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 1240812 | 2011-10-30 20:59:00 | 16. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL Drop it on the floor. :lol::lol: Thanks Billy :D |
Bozo (8540) | ||
| 1240813 | 2011-10-30 21:20:00 | 8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years..... - So even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. :D :D :D laughing so much about the cat tears running down me face................. lol so good to laugh............ that was good, thanks BT beetle |
beetle (243) | ||
| 1240814 | 2011-10-30 21:27:00 | I can see that I am not the only person having trouble getting pills down my cats throat. :D | Bobh (5192) | ||
| 1240815 | 2011-10-30 22:06:00 | Good stuff Thanks Billy |
Gobe1 (6290) | ||
| 1240816 | 2011-10-30 22:08:00 | Thanks Billy. How to get a pill down a cat's throat? get SWMBO to do it since they are hers |
gary67 (56) | ||
| 1240817 | 2011-10-30 22:57:00 | Cat + (Pill + small dollop of meat or cat food) = No problem! But hey I appreciate the time, effort and humour that went into that. | HAL9000 (12736) | ||
| 1240818 | 2011-10-30 23:05:00 | Cat + (Pill + small dollop of meat or cat food) = No problem! But hey I appreciate the time, effort and humour that went into that. Nope. All depends on cat. One of mine: Drop it on floor in front of her. One other: Go through above procedure, succeed, watch cat leave home for 5 days. |
pctek (84) | ||
| 1240819 | 2011-10-30 23:33:00 | Why would you even bother with pills when there are effective products like Advantage and Advocate. | Safari (3993) | ||
| 1240820 | 2011-10-31 00:00:00 | I watched the vet put a pill down my cats throat. It looked so easy. | Bobh (5192) | ||
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