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Thread ID: 121798	2011-11-14 05:05:00	Monday Laughs:......Today is Surfer Joe day ...........US all the way........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1243459	2011-11-14 05:05:00	. . . All U.S. of A. Jokes in SJ's honour. No particular reason, his name just came up on the 'deserving friends' list. One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ********************************* Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the US Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 53 years. ********************************* Hugh Hefner take note: A 80 year old man asks his wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?" Wife replied, "No not at all, even dogs chase cars they can't drive!" ********************************* A local Charity office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful Attorney. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $4.5 million, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The Attorney mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The Attorney interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken Charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the Attorney's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated Charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the Attorney cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" ********************************* You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics : Danny Kaye, Buddy Hackett, Groucho Marx, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, George Burns, Jerry Lewis, Jack Benny and so many others. There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples: *~ I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. *~ I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! *~ What are four words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Hi honey, I'm home!" *~ Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. *~ We always hold hands when we are out. If I let go, she shops. *~ My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time it was me who stayed in the bathroom and cried. *~ My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea . *~ My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. ********************************* On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had been "charging" him for sex, her holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out: "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" And that's when she shot him. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1243460	2011-11-14 06:35:00	Hahaa awesome thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1243461	2011-11-14 07:52:00	Well done again.	mikebartnz (21)
1243462	2011-11-14 22:49:00	"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" And that's when she shot him. Haha, did not see that one coming :D Cheers again Billy :clap	Bozo (8540)
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