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Thread ID: 122153	2011-12-04 23:19:00	Monday Laughs:.......Aussie welfare, Miracle Diet, a Blonde again, & an honest wife!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1247101	2011-12-04 23:19:00	. . . *** Now, Let Me See If I've Got This Right.... If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labour. If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely. If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed. If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again. If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed. If you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into a political prison to rot. If you cross the Australian border illegally, you get: * A job, * An interpreter, * Free legal aid, * A drivers licence, * A social security number, * Welfare, * Credit cards, * Free education, * Free health care, * Dollars worth of public documents printed in your language. * The right to carry your (home) country's flag while you protest that you do not get enough respect. The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance Benefits:- Australian Pensioner-----------------------Illegal Immigrants/Refugees Weekly allowance ...............$253.00...........$472.50 Weekly Spouse allowance.....$56.00.............$472.50 Weekly hardship allowance....$0.00..............$145.00 Total Yearly Benefit ............$16,068.00.......$56,680.00 If I were a refugee, why would I look for work? *** So, if you are thinking of retiring, why bother to 'emigrate' to Australia? Jump a flight to any of the local refugee sources, laze around for several months getting a good suntan, growing your hair longer and learning a few relevant words of the local lingo, buy a flag of your preferred refugee nationality and book your passage on a better quality immigrant ship that is less likely to sink (might be a good idea to learn how to swim and carry some shark repellent, but you are on your own with the crocs). Before leaving the ship, 'lose' your passport and related papers, get picked up when you land (or turn yourself in if they are taking too long to find you) do your time in the illegal immigrant camp, learn Australian really quickly (cobber), get released and apply for your benefits. Sweet as! ********************************* Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food and be ready to extend it for several weeks until you reach your target weight. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than $1.75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refridgerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the bag of fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down-filled comforter. Before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with, make sure the bird is seriously injured, but not dead. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat six bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw up the bugs and all of the water onto your spouse or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the rubbish bin can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and go hard. Second Week Mix 'n match items from week one as your mood takes you. Ignore previously favourite foods completely. Substitute mouse for birds and disembowel before leaving on pillow, alive. If feeling peckish later in the evening, introduce half a rat into diet as a pre-bed snack, leave other half under bed. Store chicken and giblets from last week at bottom of underwear drawer as emergency rations. Repeat. ********************************* Alligator shoes: A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed, "Oh for God's sake! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!" ********************************* There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so, he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died, and he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony and just before the Undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment please, I have something I must do." She had a box with her and she went over the casket and placed it inside. Then, as the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away, her friend said, "Girl, tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put all his money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you actually did what he asked!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a back-dated cheque. If he can cash it before the cheque goes stale, he can spend it." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1247102	2011-12-04 23:26:00	Excellent thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1247103	2011-12-04 23:35:00	A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card "get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job." says the duck, "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.... "What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"	johcar (6283)
1247104	2011-12-05 00:35:00	hahahaaaa good one Johcar you too Billy, always a pleasure to read the mondays laughs	Gobe1 (6290)
1247105	2011-12-05 04:37:00	:thumbs: :lol: :clap	WalOne (4202)
1247106	2011-12-05 19:04:00	Never stop Billy T...never stop. I wait every Monday for this to popup :D! :lol:	EmoCat (16620)
1247107	2011-12-07 06:38:00	The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert doan forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it? " "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees.... Ees... Ees... Ees.... a ham bush." And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you? I know you did!	johcar (6283)
1247108	2011-12-07 19:19:00	I tried the accent. Very good johcar. Where do you lot get these?	EmoCat (16620)
1247109	2011-12-07 19:51:00	I think Billy has several hundred GBs worth, stored up over the years.... Mine are from emails from friends, generally.	johcar (6283)
1247110	2011-12-08 05:29:00	David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.	WalOne (4202)
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