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Thread ID: 122047	2011-11-27 20:36:00	Monday Laughs:.....More jewish jokes, the Green Thing, and an Old Nursery Story....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1245894	2011-11-27 20:36:00	. . . One-liners *~ My wife decided on a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. *~ The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. *~ The Doctor called a patient saying, "Mrs. Jones, your cheque came back." Mrs. Jones answered, "So did my arthritis!" *~ Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" *~ Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Well don't answer!" *~ A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ********************************* *~ There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. *~ Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. *~ Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence! *~ A man called his mother in Florida "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother.. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." *~ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? "The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." *~ A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. *~ What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. *~ Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. *~ Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. *~ The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. ********************************* A Jewish daughter phones her mother in tears. "I'm divorcing Irving" she sobs. "All he wants is sex, sex and more sex, and now my thingy parts are the size of a 50-cent piece, when they used to be the size of a 5 cent." Her mother says: "What are you thinking child! You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an eight-bedroom mansion, you drive a $450,000 Ferrari, you get $5,000 a week allowance all for yourself, you take six vacations a year anywhere in the world you want to go, and you tell me you want to throw all that away... Over 45 cents?" Now that's a Jewish mother!!! ********************************* The Green Thing: Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days." The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was dead right too! -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk, soft-drink and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the factory to be washed, sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled, and using less energy too. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator or lifts in every store and office building. We walked or rode a bike to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up kilowatts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Clothes were mended, not dumped, and except for their "going out" clothes, kids wore hand-me-down clothes from their older brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one radio and one TV in the house -- not a TV in every room, and they lasted years and years with occasional repairs. Our TV had a small screen, 23" was the biggest (remember them?) not a screen the size of Stewart Island, and we didn't buy a new one just because it broke or went out of fashion! But we didn't know about the green thing back then of course! In the kitchen, we blended, mixed and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. An electric cake mixer was a luxury. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not buckets of styrofoam or acres of plastic bubble-wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn, we used a push mower that ran on human power. We trimmed the edges with clippers and a cuting wheel on a pole, not a screaming whipper-snipper that leaves bits of green or orange nylon everywhere you look. We didn't need earmuffs either! We exercised by working and walking, so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right you know, we didn't have the green thing back then. At school we drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a plastic bottle every time we wanted a drink of water, and at home we used a peanut butter glass. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new one, and we replaced the blades in our razor instead of throwing the whole thing away just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the train, tram or bus to work, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked, instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in each room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. We didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites way out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop either, and we knew how to read maps to find places we hadn't been to before, so we didn't need GPS help anyway, and maps never take you to a street on the wrong side of town. We could find our way home just as easily too! We didn't end up lost and drive around in circles for hours wasting petrol from a non-renewable resource just because some stupid batteries went flat. But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we older folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then? Please pass this on to another selfish older person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-arse young person. Remember: Don't make older people mad. We are not too keen being older in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off. ********************************* The Three Bears A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?" It was Mummy Bear who got up first. Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and fresh milk. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the blasted dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...." I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1245895	2011-11-27 22:55:00	Good stuff however don't expect the National supporters to like the Green one.	gary67 (56)
1245896	2011-11-27 23:31:00	Good work as always Billy! Good stuff however don't expect the National supporters to like the Green one. But this has to rate up there with the most ignorant comments I've ever seen on this forum.	inphinity (7274)
1245897	2011-11-28 01:42:00	Good stuff however don't expect the National supporters to like the Green one. But this has to rate up there with the most ignorant comments I've ever seen on this forum. I couldn't see the relevance myself, but I suspect that the opposition parties will likely announce a "compulsory re-nationalisation' policy to take back ownership when the wheel turns, as it will, and that should make a few buyers think twice before investing their ducats. I seem to recall that this has actually been done somewhere else in the world within living memory, but I could be wrong on that. Before anybody leaps up and shouts about communism by the way, they went the other way in the end. They first nationalised, then sold off the family jewels, and now look at the mess they are in with wall to wall Oligarchy. Go look it up if you don't know what it means. You will see my point. Cheers Billy 8-{) :mad:	Billy T (70)
1245898	2011-11-28 02:20:00	Good work as always Billy! But this has to rate up there with the most ignorant comments I've ever seen on this forum. and why would it be ignorant it is everything that National won't or don't want to do so therefore it is an accurate statement. I still love the jokes Billy T posts	gary67 (56)
1245899	2011-11-28 06:20:00	Anyway great jokes billy and loved the green thingy, so true	Gobe1 (6290)
1245900	2011-11-28 20:04:00	Been reading these for a while (even though i've never posted). Always cracks me up :D!	EmoCat (16620)
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