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Thread ID: 122380	2011-12-18 10:05:00	Monday Laughs: More Festive Spirit................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1249331	2011-12-18 10:05:00	. . . It was the day of the big pre-Christmas Sale. Rumours of the sale of cheap booze plus some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed in the store car park by 8:30am, starting well before the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful and bawdy curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he shouted to the people at the end of the line. 'That does it! If you lot hit me one more time, I won't open the store!' *************************** Fifteen reasons why Santa is a Woman * 1 5. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said. * 1 4. Reads children's letters in the office instead of in the bathroom. * 1 3. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem! * 1 2. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee." * 11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve. * 10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 Chevy Truck. * 9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice. * 8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly. * 7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention. * 6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls. * 5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorise a pant-suit like that! * 4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer. * 3. Santa was never-ever observed peeing off of rooftops. * 2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks. * 1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd have to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in! *************************** 1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?" 2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!" 3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for! 4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. 5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves. 6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!! 7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. 8. Q: Do you know why Santa doesn't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney ... 9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. 10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. 11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. 1 2. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. 1 3. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. *************************** Nine Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Man 1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. 9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year. *************************** Ten Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman * 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. * 0 9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. * 0 8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. * 0 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. * 0 6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. * 0 5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. * 0 4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. * 0 3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. * 0 2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. * 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your Ute. *************************** Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and they all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they are told they must present something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" The third man answered "Sure! They're Carol's." I decided not to use the Jungle Bowels Joke.........;) Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and a Great New Year Cheers Billy *<8-{)= :)	Billy T (70)
1249332	2011-12-18 11:38:00	Caught a few repeats the :devil, naughty girls and christmas tree balls	The Error Guy (14052)
1249333	2011-12-18 19:23:00	Caught a few repeats the :devil, naughty girls and christmas tree balls true but it still works :) excellent stuff billy, thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1249334	2011-12-18 19:32:00	I liked the liquor store joke.	Bobh (5192)
1249335	2011-12-18 20:45:00	And a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you Billy. Thanks for all the Merry Mondays. :thanks :)	Richard (739)
1249336	2011-12-20 02:00:00	Caught a few repeats the :devil, naughty girls and christmas tree balls More for your money! :p But mea culpa! If I made a few mistakes, it was for good reason! :D It was late at night, my main computer was on the fritz (again) with yet another RAID 1 disk error (OS disk this time, I have separate pairs for OS & Data) and when I swapped in the replacement disk I keep handy it refused to boot to the rebuild screen. Turns out the failure had also changed the boot order in the Bios. So, I was using old faithful, my semi-retired W2K PIII 550 that I keep available for 'print-screen from DOS' needs. XP and later OS versions won't do it, and nor will any of the add-on programs and applets. I think the video card is on the fritz now, because the image jitters horizontally by 0.5-1mm sideways (line by line) after boot, then slowly settles down after an hour or so, but it starts up again if I get active. Screen writes were lagging something chronic too, so I wasn't able to put in all the stuff I had planned, or to do a very thorough proof read. Any way, Computer Lounge gave their usual excellent service (in Saturday morning, out Monday afternoon) and all is well. I now have the updated RAID drivers that should stop the problem from occurring again so I'm back on the new box. I researched on the Intel forum and there is a massive thread on the problem, and I had THE worst file version.:groan: Just by the by, I have Hard Disk Sentinel on there now and it amongst many other attributes it also monitors disk temperatures in real time. I had plugged in an external USB Seagate to do some archiving and it was running at around 29-30 C. After a while I noticed that the temp was now more than 40 degrees C. I looked over and saw that some papers had fallen on top of it. Once removed. the temp dropped back to 30. Cheers Billy *<8-{)=	Billy T (70)
1249337	2011-12-20 03:38:00	Billy - I too appreciate your regular joke corner! And unashamedly reuse them in my newsletter. Many thanks for your regular 'view' of the world. Christmas greetings to you and your family. :)	R.M. (561)
1249338	2011-12-20 04:54:00	3452 lh4.googleusercontent.com	SurferJoe46 (51)
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