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Thread ID: 122841	2012-01-15 20:07:00	Monday Laughs.........Normal service resumed	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1254343	2012-01-15 20:07:00	. . . A blonde drops off her little black dress at the Dry Cleaners for stain removal, yet again. When she returns to pick it up, as she is leaving the lady at the counter says 'come again'. The blonde says: "No, it was toothpaste this time you nosy cow!" ********************************* The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ..... Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried', he said, 'but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes! Get your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, splattered with blood and wiping the sweat from her brow. 'The damned gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'So I had to beat him to death with the chair.' MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them ********************************* A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish merchant to buy black bras, size 38. The merchant, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers, therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 bras. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The merchant tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the merchant's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jewish merchant is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, ".....please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?" The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you guys for $250 each." ......and this is why the Chinese own us! "Business is Business" ********************************* This guy is 84 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, ' Yes, I'm talking to you.' 'Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. 'I'll make sure all your friends will be envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' 'I said, kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' Once you get to a certain age, the wisdom to make the right choice is automatic. ********************************* Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine. Rachel explains that after leaving Ryton and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons. They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons. They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada .. Clare relates that she graduated from Monash Medicine and became an orthopaedic surgeon, and her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker. They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa. Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend Ben. They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his love organ. Several hours later, and half way through the fifth bottle of wine, Rachel blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank. They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay. Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1254344	2012-01-15 20:47:00	Loved the last one - thanks Billy T!	johcar (6283)
1254345	2012-01-15 21:41:00	:D :D :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
1254346	2012-01-15 22:20:00	Ha ha life is back to normal. Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1254347	2012-01-15 22:45:00	I liked the FBI one. Typical women!	Digby (677)
1254348	2012-01-15 23:46:00	Love them all this week, thanks	gary67 (56)
1254349	2012-01-16 00:07:00	Thanks Billy :D	WalOne (4202)
1254350	2012-01-16 06:11:00	An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Dang, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."	rebels181 (14841)
1254351	2012-01-18 20:49:00	The Frog A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1.. Take a shower. 2.. Splash on some nice perfume. 3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .... Please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...	johcar (6283)
1254352	2012-01-18 21:57:00	Bahaha :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
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