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Thread ID: 123049	2012-01-30 20:31:00	Monday Laughs......... Yesterday was an AK holiday.. so Mrs T had me in the garden!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1256635	2012-01-30 20:31:00	. . . Lesley and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a veritable shopping list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, then kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow. Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.....can you pick her up?' ********************************* The Stork The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach!!! ********************************* A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside, then the croc will close his mouth for one minute, then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit completely unscathed. "In return for witnessing this spectacle" he said, "I'll expect each one of you to buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. so the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's gaping maw, then as the crowd gasped, the croc clamped his mouth shut. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his organ and accessories, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered,and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay $100 in cash to anyone who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........'I'll try it - but you don't need to hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' ********************************* An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but before carrying out the surgery, the doctors needed to obtain stocks of his blood type in case the necessity arosefor as transfusion. As it happened, the Sheik had a very rare blood type which couln't be obtained locally, so the call went out to blood donor registers around the world and finally a Scotsman was located who had a perfect match. Naturally, the Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, and in appreciation for donating his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, several large cut diamonds, and US$100,000 in cash. Due to complications, a few weeks later the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery, so his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another MW and more diamonds & money mon... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I'm wee bit more canny wi' my money now that I have Scottish blood in ma veins". ********************************* Mrs T bought me an iPhone for Christmas and after some thought I bought her an iRon. She wasn't too happy about this, even after I explained that it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean functions she already had. Then when she tried it, the damned thing automatically opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function! Man, was I iRate about that! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1256636	2012-01-30 21:10:00	:lol: Nice one Billy. Esp the last :thumbs: Lowering the tone -- the title could have a different meaning --- ;)	wainuitech (129)
1256637	2012-01-30 21:19:00	I thought the last one was the best, as well.:D Keep up the good work, Billy. I look forward to Monday laughs each week.	Roscoe (6288)
1256638	2012-01-31 00:27:00	Lowering the tone -- the title could have a different meaning --- ;) Yes ... I had visions of Billy with a backside full of rose thorns ... :lol:	SP8's (9836)
1256639	2012-01-31 01:14:00	awesome thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1256640	2012-01-31 02:04:00	:thanks I have a friend doing a 6 month contract in Rarotonga who I forward them on to Billy. He says to say to you, "thanks" as he is "working with a humourless bunch of bastards" and it is good to get something to laugh at. He is not to au fait with computers, hence the copy and paste thing. Hope you dont mind? Ken :thumbs:	kenj (9738)
1256641	2012-01-31 05:23:00	:thanks I have a friend doing a 6 month contract in Rarotonga who I forward them on to Billy. He says to say to you, "thanks" as he is "working with a humourless bunch of bastards" and it is good to get something to laugh at. He is not to au fait with computers, hence the copy and paste thing. Hope you dont mind? Ken :thumbs: Well Ken, as I have said in the past, these are 'copying and sending' jokes, and as far as I am concerned they should be spread far and wide. In fact it is interesting to see how some from past years come back round again via other members. The effort put into Monday Laughs has been repaid many times over by the assistance given to me with my occasional computer problems, by assistance offered off-line for various matters, and if that were not enough, the generosity of the members toward our daughter in contributing to the laptop fund was enough to bring tears to our eyes here at Chez Billy, it wasn't just the laptop per se, it was also the huge morale boost it gave her when she was staring at what looked like insurmountable costs, and it is still running just fine. To update progress, her first year was completed with some success, she has earned excellent grades and is enjoying her course immensely. She has been working every spare hour to raise funds for her 2012 fees, and fortunately, on the strength of her commitment to the course and the Uni community etc she has been awarded a modest scholarship for this year that will make life a little less stressful than it might otherwise have been. Kiwis in Oz do not get any favours from our erstwhile ANZAC mates, and in particular we don't get access to their medical services, which then makes health care a substantial cost item. In fact we are probably worse off than their refugee population. Through her on-campus activities she has got to know a number of helpful people so that makes life a little easier too I guess. We are going over to see her later in February and will probably be back again later for her 'Masters' graduation ceremony. After that she will remain in Oz for a couple of years to obtain clinical experience before returning to work in NZ. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1256642	2012-01-31 20:11:00	Thanks for the update on your daughter Billy T - glad to hear she's doing well. Hope she's enjoying it and not picking up that accent...	johcar (6283)
1256643	2012-01-31 21:10:00	Thanks for the update on your daughter Billy T - glad to hear she's doing well. Hope she's enjoying it and not picking up that accent... My daughter has lived in Sydney for 11 years now and boy, does she have an Aussie twang. Ken	kenj (9738)
1256644	2012-01-31 22:13:00	I lived in Sydney for 13 years and came back with no Aussie accent!	Snorkbox (15764)
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