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| Thread ID: 123136 | 2012-02-06 01:43:00 | Monday Laughs......... Still in the garden! but I've escaped temporarily............. | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1257611 | 2012-02-06 01:43:00 | . . . Yet another martyr arrived in paradise, this one after blowing himself up in the middle of a Police Recruiting Station. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 fallen women instead?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because fools like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex, so you are here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that, how hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied: "Who said anything about women?" ********************************* She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained: "The egg timer's broken." ********************************* I recently chose a new Doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, fishing, hiking or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of casual sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me, then said,...'So why do you even give a shlt how long you live?' ********************************* A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. 'You'll be fine,' he said. She asked, 'How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?' The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. 'What's the matter Doctor?, she asked, I will be all right, won't I?' He replied, 'Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that before when they've just had their tonsils out. ********************************* How to Bathe a Cat This is simply too much of a time saver not to share! 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add a quarter cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.. 3. In one smooth movement drop the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid to keep it down. 4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Don't worry about the noises that come from the toilet, your cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Yours sincerely, The Dog!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :) |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 1257612 | 2012-02-06 02:11:00 | That last one's a beaut. Thanks Billy. | Richard (739) | ||
| 1257613 | 2012-02-06 02:49:00 | Thanks Billy :lol: |
WalOne (4202) | ||
| 1257614 | 2012-02-06 03:29:00 | That last one's a beaut. Thanks Billy. Indeed, it's a cracker. However, I don't think the Dog has entirely thought through to the fullest extent possible the ramifications of the most risky task in the sequence, to wit; the deposition of the cat inside the bowl and then getting the lid down without said feline editing the depositor's body in some way. Suggestions? |
Murray P (44) | ||
| 1257615 | 2012-02-06 04:02:00 | Indeed, it's a cracker. However, I don't think the Dog has entirely thought through to the fullest extent possible the ramifications of the most risky task in the sequence, to wit; the deposition of the cat inside the bowl and then getting the lid down without said feline editing the depositor's body in some way. Suggestions? Full leathers and a helmet.... |
johcar (6283) | ||
| 1257616 | 2012-02-06 04:44:00 | Get some one else to do it...... :D | beetle (243) | ||
| 1257617 | 2012-02-06 04:49:00 | They were all good but I liked the egg timer the best.:D Thanks so much, Billy. Well done yet again. |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 1257618 | 2012-02-06 09:31:00 | Egg timer one was great. | goodiesguy (15316) | ||
| 1257619 | 2012-02-06 09:38:00 | A few laughs there. | Bobh (5192) | ||
| 1257620 | 2012-02-06 22:17:00 | awesome, thanks billy | Gobe1 (6290) | ||
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