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Thread ID: 123698	2012-03-12 02:04:00	Monday Laughs....................Fresh Stock.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1264465	2012-03-12 02:04:00	. . . Two businessmen were setting up a new shop in the centre of down-town Sydney They were sitting down for a break in their new and soon-to-be opened premises, but as yet the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some bloody pensioner is going to walk by, take a look in the window then put their fhead in the door, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek then put her head in the door and in a soft voice asked, "So what are you selling here boys?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old lady said, “You must be doing very well dear, only two left." ********************************* Snippets: * The wife was counting all the 5 cent and 10 cent pieces out on the kitchen table when suddenly she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." * When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist bastards, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! * Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan? "He replies, "outside playing with Paki-Dave". * Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. * Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! * A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." [It is OK to groan.] * Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" sez Paddy. * Just got back from the funeral of a mate who died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was one hell of a service! * Nineteen paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you? "Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." * An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed Mount Everest. His name is Bindair Dundat. ********************************* Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re ticko’s from Ireland and try to scam us.. I'll put on my best English accent.” “Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners." ********************************* Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby". You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts". I rest my case! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1264466	2012-03-12 02:22:00	Thanks Billy .... you have no idea how much I needed a bit of a laugh today !!	SP8's (9836)
1264467	2012-03-12 02:24:00	:D:D	gary67 (56)
1264468	2012-03-12 03:30:00	I loved the last one.	mikebartnz (21)
1264469	2012-03-12 04:32:00	:lol: :lol: :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1264470	2012-03-12 04:34:00	I loved the last one. Me too, my favourite, anything that makes me laugh involuntarily every time I read it is a good 'un. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1264471	2012-03-12 06:29:00	Great stuff. Thanks Billy. Love the last one tooo	Gobe1 (6290)
1264472	2012-03-12 06:42:00	I loved all those! Lol LL	lakewoodlady (103)
1264473	2012-03-12 07:52:00	More good laughs.	Bobh (5192)
1264474	2012-03-12 09:31:00	A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a large bucket and 20 litres of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady looked at everything, and suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: 'Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, 20 litres of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.' ******************** FUNNY ONE - LINERS The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her. There are two kinds of people who don't say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ? Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married; and it was too late then.” Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.	johcar (6283)
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