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Thread ID: 123820 2012-03-18 08:41:00 Monday Laughs..........Belated St Patricks Day Humour................ Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1265715 2012-03-18 08:41:00 .
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the wee creature's soul?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the Church... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 Punts is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

*********************************


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Seamus O'Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate 10,000 Punts to the Church?'

'He will.'

*********************************


A Kiwi, an Aussie, and an Irish colleen all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the Aussie one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The Kiwi gets some extra gardening done, the Aussie goes to a bar, and the Irish girl goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the Aussie says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the Irish girl. "I almost got caught."

*********************************


A blonde from Ballygobackwards is seriously overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you will have lost at least 3 kilos."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 18 kilos. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, to be sure I thought I was going to drop dead those third days."

"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.

"No," replies the blonde, "from all that skipping."

*********************************


Father McGee walked into the Church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the Archbishop.

'Your Reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the Archbishop. 'Get back in the Church and look busy!'

*********************************


O'Brien was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees so it does."

A month later O'Brien returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"To be sure ye can O'Brien," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said O'Brien , "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

*********************************


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes, and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

*********************************


Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. A short time into the flight, Paddy was told the Dublin runway was closed by ice and he was to divert to Shannon.

They flew on, then as they approached Shannon airport, they looked out the front window to get a look at the runway.

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat Shannon strip has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".


Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
1265716 2012-03-18 09:44:00 Why so early? it is still only Sunday. Thanks for the laughs. Bobh (5192)
1265717 2012-03-18 19:03:00 Why so early? it is still only Sunday. . .
Fixed that ;) 		R2x1 (4628)
1265718 2012-03-18 20:32:00 Loved them all, especially the last one! Thanks Billy T!

LL 		lakewoodlady (103)
1265719 2012-03-18 21:13:00 I loved the last one. The Error Guy (14052)
1265720 2012-03-18 21:19:00 Why so early? it is still only Sunday. Thanks for the laughs.

Just testing to see how many Irishmen and Senior Citizens are still corpus mentis, or even awake, at that hour of the early evening.

I thought it might provoke one or two premature ejaculations. :D

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

(No, that is not its primary meaning, go check the Oxford ED if you don't believe me! 		Billy T (70)
1265721 2012-03-18 21:54:00 I thought you were just getting in early to beat Wal!! :) Snorkbox (15764)
1265722 2012-03-18 22:10:00 Haw Haw that last one was brilliant! Thanks Billy Gobe1 (6290)
1265723 2012-03-18 22:40:00 For those amongst us who do not know what a "punt" is - it is the name of the Irish pound. The u in punt is pronounced the same as the oo in look.

Isn't it curious? If you told the same jokes about the maori or any other race you would be branded rascist, but it's okay to tell jokes about the Irish. It's a good thing that we Irish are not easily offended, eh?

Loved the jokes. Thanks, Billy. 		Ulsterman (12815)
1265724 2012-03-19 00:05:00 Great. Really enjoyed them. Cheers. Pato (2463)
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