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Thread ID: 124502	2012-04-29 23:17:00	Monday Laughs.................More this 'n that miscellany............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1272798	2012-04-29 23:17:00	. . . A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. In the tellers' queue they stood behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She's fat!” The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes passed by, then the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!" The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and again told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue, and just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep." The little boy yelled out, "run for your life, she's backing out!!" ********************************* I have questions! Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one, or maybe even tenty-one? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five actually enjoys it? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If it's true that we were put on this Earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If not, Why! If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? (I have wondered this for years!!!) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? Why does the US put up pictures of criminals up in their Post Offices?? What are people supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Have a Great Day!!!! Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain! ********************************* Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a rather feminine earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense', so he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car." (I always wondered how this trend got started!) ********************************* Paddy goes to America for the first time, and one day he's walking up 5th Avenue. He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’s”. A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy juststands back and lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!! ********************************* The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Our stairwell was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. However, do not think I will contemplate sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but overt sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell/lick/kiss the other dog or cat's Bum. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't! (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture! (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, my pets are just animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) Eat less. (2) Don't ask for money all the time. (3) Are easier to train. (4) Normally come when called. (5) Never ask to borrow the car. (6) Don't smoke or drink. (7) Don't want to wear your clothes. (8) Don't have to have the latest fashions. (9) Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. 10) And best of all, if they get pregnant you can SELL their children! Cheers Billy 8-{) :) No Monday Laughs last week, I had to fly out to Melbourne at very short notice to do an urgent job and left home at 3:30am Monday. That's no laughing matter!	Billy T (70)
1272799	2012-04-29 23:41:00	A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."	johcar (6283)
1272800	2012-04-30 00:34:00	Thanks Billy :thumbs: And johcar	Gobe1 (6290)
1272801	2012-04-30 06:39:00	Cheers Billy and Johcar :lol:	WalOne (4202)
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