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Thread ID: 124609	2012-05-06 22:25:00	Monday Laughs..................Lists, religion, lawyers, and an economics lesson.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1273964	2012-05-06 22:25:00	. . . Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Twink. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face...... My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of wax-vesta matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ................ some of us have got homes to go to!' Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, ' chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup and salad you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Auckland. ********************************* An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what that telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American . He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, and Australia. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had golden phones too. He finally arrived at Napier, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many Churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in New Zealand now, son - so it's a local call'. ********************************* Scrabble... Rearrange the letters below to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P N E S I Rt-Click/hold and Mouse-over below to see the correct answer The correct answer is SPINE, so go scrub your keyboard out with soap if you had anything else. ********************************* Lawyers Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard Lawyer: Was this a male or a female? Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ---------------------------------------------- Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Lawyer? Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ---------------------------------------------- Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight. ---------------------------------------------- Lawyer: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Now, what school did you go to? Witness: Oral. ---------------------------------------------- Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM Lawyer: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? Witness: Well, if he wasn't then, he certainly was by the time I finished. ---------------------------------------------- Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question? ---------------------------------------------- And lastly: Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No, Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Well yes, I guess it is conceivable that he could have been alive and practicing Law somewhere. ********************************* A cow-based economics lesson ... This has been around before - but some of its truths are enduring, especially in light of the current economic situation in Europe. SOCIALISM You have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the investment income. ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shlt out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks rather attractive. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You pack it in straight after milking and go for a few beers to celebrate. Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Before you ask, I decided not to include the lists but forgot to change the thread title, and unlike the content, that can't be edited after posting. :(	Billy T (70)
1273965	2012-05-06 23:03:00	Good ones :D	goodiesguy (15316)
1273966	2012-05-07 00:49:00	Haha awesome Scary thing is the lawyers one is probably true not a joke....	Gobe1 (6290)
1273967	2012-05-07 01:09:00	Rt-Click/hold and Mouse-over below to see the correct answer? Even as a web designer it took me almost 5 minutes to work that out after googling it. I thought it was saying right-click :D try Click/hold and Mouse-over below to see the correct answer	dpDesignz (15919)
1273968	2012-05-07 05:16:00	I'd love to be able to say it was a little test for PF1 members, but alas it was just my obtuse syntax. It made sense to me at the time but I was in a rush so I didn't see the problem looming. My apologies, and I hope you got the answer right. :D Cheers Billy :D	Billy T (70)
1273969	2012-05-07 09:34:00	A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. ‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’ ‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’ ‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’ ‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’ ‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’ ‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight!’ ‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’ ‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’ ‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother. ‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’ ‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile. ‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’ Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… You missed the f…… putt, didn’t you?’	tutaenui (1724)
1273970	2012-05-07 09:44:00	Nice one Billy T and tutaenui:lol: Was it just me or did anyone else think something different about the word scramble	stratex5 (16685)
1273971	2012-05-07 10:52:00	We all know that the important part of the human body is the spine. What else could it be? :D	Bobh (5192)
1273972	2012-05-07 20:45:00	I new it was spine, but I saw another word first.	dugimodo (138)
1273973	2012-05-07 22:28:00	Snipe? Pines?	Richard (739)
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