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Thread ID: 124810	2012-05-21 00:40:00	Monday Laughs.............More Airline stuff, lost keys, and some elegant poetry.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1276437	2012-05-21 00:40:00	. . . More Airline Announcements: During the final approach of an American Airlines flight into Amarillo Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo........... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' ********************************* 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and you may keep them, with our compliments. ' ********************************* 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..... ...except for that cute gentleman over there.' ********************************* Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' ********************************* Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA (Transportation Security Administration) pat down. I was looking for my keys, but they were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Mabel, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "Honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Mabel’s voice. "J.B." she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." Mabel retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!" ********************************* Now, I've been sitting on this little ode for many moons, waiting for the most approriate time to use it, but that moment doesn't seem to materialise, so now is the hour, full speed ahead and damn the torpedos (or depth charges :) .......................... A Fart A fart can be a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can oft be quiet, A fart can oft be loud, Some farts can leave a powerful, and evil, poisonous, cloud A fart can oft be short, Or a fart can oft be long, Some farts have been known to sound A little like a song...... A fart can audibly create A curiously tuneful medley, A fart can be quite harmless, Or silent,.... and downright deadly. A fart might not offend the nose, While others are quite vile, A fart may pass-by quickly, Or linger for a while ... From huge wide-open prairies, To small cramped elevators, A fart will seek out all of us, For embarrassment, sooner or later. But not all farts are really bad, that simply is not true- There's plenty of good 'farts' around They're folks like me and you! Finally, and breaking from tradition, attached is a visual joke which, similarly to the above, I've been sitting on for several years now. It is relevant to a recent Russian aircraft demo disaster, so if the very thought offends you, don't look at it, but I found it spookily prescient. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1276438	2012-05-21 00:54:00	I'd heard the first line of the fart ode as a kid many times but slightly different, sometimes starting with a baked beans line as well Baked beans are good for your heart Baked beans make you fart A fart is very useful It blows in the breeze it warms your bed in winter and suffocates the fleas Who knows where this came from, a childhood friend was fond of quoting it.	dugimodo (138)
1276439	2012-05-21 01:16:00	I liked the one about the supposedly stolen car. :D	Bobh (5192)
1276440	2012-05-21 03:33:00	Haha brilliant Billy I have had one of those airplane ones coming into New Plymouth once, if you know the area it can be prone to cross winds. After the bumpy landing the stewardess said "well we made it!!"	Gobe1 (6290)
1276441	2012-05-21 05:57:00	Good ones, Billy. If I'm still wanted for another stint later in the year, you just made it more difficult to reach your standards! Love the goat in the cloud bank ... arrgghhhhhh :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1276442	2012-05-24 01:31:00	A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman sits down at the back of the bus and says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man replies: “You go right back and tell him he’s wrong. Go on! I’ll hold your monkey for you.”	johcar (6283)
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