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Thread ID: 124924 2012-05-28 03:06:00 Monday Laughs.............Religion, and the perils of marriage and aging..... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1277805 2012-05-28 03:06:00 .
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Life is too short for negative drama & petty things, so laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head -

We're all doing pretty good here in mine!

Remembering the advancing age of some members... I have sent this in bold print.


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

*********************************


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

*********************************


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

After a while his eyes opened again and he said 'You still here then?'.

Disappointed, she asked, 'What happened to beautiful and cute?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

*********************************


An elderly man walks into a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'So why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

*********************************


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the Madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

*********************************


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1277806 2012-05-28 03:17:00 :lol::lol: gary67 (56)
1277807 2012-05-28 03:26:00 We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening. 		SP8's (9836)
1277808 2012-05-28 04:08:00 I'm glad that today's jokes arrived, I feared my calendar was broken for a while there. R2x1 (4628)
1277809 2012-05-28 04:29:00 Seems like a theme this week...good stuff again Billy

SP8's i have tears!!! hahahaaaaa 		Gobe1 (6290)
1277810 2012-05-28 05:28:00 Which Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this"? he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"? 		smithie 38 (6684)
1277811 2012-05-28 08:02:00 In the event of a fire??
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old fogies ...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. 		Gobe1 (6290)
1277812 2012-05-28 08:15:00 That 92 year old was a bit of a skite. :D Bobh (5192)
1277813 2012-05-28 09:03:00 Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".

You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".



Case closed ... :D 		SP8's (9836)
1277814 2012-05-28 09:49:00 Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".

You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".



Case closed ... :D

...and they say women are smarter than men:lol: 		stratex5 (16685)
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