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Thread ID: 125072 2012-06-05 04:10:00 Monday Laughs....slightly behind the times..... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1279731 2012-06-05 04:10:00 .
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I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, but I hear no one recognises you there anyway so what's the point?

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; and you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to get to Conclusions, but it seems you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore and anyway, I'm afraid of heights!

I have also been in Doubt. That is a really sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and somehow I seem to go there more often as I get older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent but I'm not 100% sure and I don't remember what country I was in at the time. They tell me it's another age thing.


Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can play your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.
Please do your bit to help the bewildered.

My job is done!

*********************************


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been staring at our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

*********************************


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

*********************************


Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

*********************************


Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

*********************************


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'

*********************************


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Most of all, I like your sense of humour!'

*********************************


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. His wife profusely apologised for doubting him, then went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

His wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

*********************************


Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your broom-wielding wife, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you planning on flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1279732 2012-06-05 04:36:00 :lol::lol: gary67 (56)
1279733 2012-06-05 04:56:00 Haha good ones Billy, Cheers
Some good quotes i received today, you may know them already but it is good to be reminded.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and knickers.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Winston Churhhill



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk



and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.



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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:



"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ... 		Gobe1 (6290)
1279734 2012-06-05 07:21:00 Great as usual Billy :)
. 		Nick G (16709)
1279735 2012-06-05 08:36:00 Good laughs there. Bobh (5192)
1279736 2012-06-05 09:10:00 After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely sod all. We have therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." 		tutaenui (1724)
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