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Thread ID: 125163	2012-06-10 11:59:00	Monday Laughs....Slightly ahead of the times.....(Balance is everything!)	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1281008	2012-06-10 11:59:00	. . . Last of the Airline Jokes: After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Then, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.' ********************************* Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..' ********************************* Announcement on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the starboard wing, so if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' ********************************* A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ......... OH MY GOD>~~~~!!!!!!! The plane lurched violently then silence followed. After a brief interval, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was speaking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in economy yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!' ********************************* Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked: "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About three quarters of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf, but it is good to see you here today. Tell me, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. Tell me, how old are you now?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived every single one of the bastards." ********************************* A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap, a prayer shawl, and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says' Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear. This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. However, as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he nuts? " "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns this place." ********************************* I just saw my first Harry Potter film. It was a bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger-haired kid, with two friends? Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1281009	2012-06-10 22:19:00	Great jokes as usual Billy.:D	Nick G (16709)
1281010	2012-06-10 23:18:00	Good ones, Billy! Here's another - topical - joke ... A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well. At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats. "So where's the money?" she said. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exclaimed his wife. "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke." :D	WalOne (4202)
1281011	2012-06-11 00:43:00	Thanks again billy. et tu Wal	Gobe1 (6290)
1281012	2012-06-11 00:53:00	:D Good laughs as usual.	Bobh (5192)
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