Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 125285	2012-06-18 12:21:00	Monday Laughs....Sorry folks, forgot to wind up my sundial .........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1282591	2012-06-18 12:21:00	. . . American Humour: Having Fun In The Elevator (Alternative Title: How to fit in like a native with the NY crowd) -Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. -Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!" -Whistle incessantly the first seven notes of "It's a Small World". -On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. -Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" -Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall. Don't get off. -When arriving at your floor, start trying to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. -Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. -Three words to empty an elevator : I've got flatulence! -Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" -When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" -Give religious tracts to each passenger. -Meow occasionally. -Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. -Hop from foot to foot and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Damn!" -Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. -Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. -Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. -Stare at a passenger and announce "I know you, you're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. -Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. -Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. -When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?" -Shadow-box. -Say "Ding!" at each floor. -Lean against the button panel. -Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. -Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. -Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space." -Bring a chair along. -Blow spit bubbles. -Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. -Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. -Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. -Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." ********************************* CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and we grew up in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, used real butter, ate blue cheese, put two teaspoons of white sugar in their tea, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks some of us took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the trailer on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose, NOT from a bottle. Take-away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Burger King. Even though all the shops closed at 5.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't run out of clothes, hardware, furniture, or starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Tingles and some fire crackers to blow up stuff with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our trollies out of scraps and old pram wheels, never bothered with brakes, then raced them down the steepest hill in the neighbourhood. We built tree huts and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on satellite or cable, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went OUTSIDE and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no, really! We were given air rifles and sling-shots for our 10th birthdays, We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with canes and leather straps, and the school bully always ruled the playground, but we didn't all end up emotional cripples, riddled with 'unrsolved issues". They sorted the bully by making him a Prefect. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade'..... Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned.......... HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And if YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives 'for our own good'. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! :devil ********************************* In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, ...but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and with th' grease all over, it won't hurt so much." Cheers Billy 8-{) :):blush:	Billy T (70)
1282592	2012-06-18 20:12:00	Very good! Like the second one. So true!!!	ManUFan (7602)
1282593	2012-06-18 20:58:00	Second is me	gary67 (56)
1282594	2012-06-18 21:51:00	Reading the one about babies born in the 40s, 50s and 60s makes me wonder how any of us survived.	Bobh (5192)
1282595	2012-06-18 22:32:00	Very good as always ;) But, those children from the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s, *are* the ones who are now parents who bail their kids out of trouble with the law, take up lawsuits over stupid things, the politicians who now want to regulate our lives, the creepy old men who abduct kids, etc. So, clearly, there are LOTS of people who grew up in those eras who DO have a heap of unresolved problems ;)	inphinity (7274)
1282596	2012-06-19 02:01:00	Nice ones Billy :) Great jokes as always	Nick G (16709)
1282597	2012-06-19 02:46:00	Yesterday 11:21 PM You made it on time, we wont hang you for that... :devil: Good stuff once again Billy, loved number 2 also EDIT: Inphinity, its the children of the children from the 40's to the 70's we have to worry about, the worst is yet to come	Gobe1 (6290)
1282598	2012-06-19 03:01:00	Very good as always ;) But, those children from the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s, *are* the ones who are now parents who bail their kids out of trouble with the law, take up lawsuits over stupid things, the politicians who now want to regulate our lives, the creepy old men who abduct kids, etc. So, clearly, there are LOTS of people who grew up in those eras who DO have a heap of unresolved problems ;) Huh, three quarter's of the ranges 40's, 50's, 60', 70', would in fact be grandparents if not great grandparents !. Us 30's bracket, were not molly coddled like those of today, a clip round the ear by the Constable and taken home for a good smacking in front of that Constable. Our 2 kids also got smacked, their 2 kids also get it. Toooo bl**dy pc today, thanks to the whimps who run this country. Lurking.	Lurking (218)
1282599	2012-06-19 03:02:00	Billy, sorry forgot to say good ones. Lurking.	Lurking (218)
1282600	2012-06-19 05:25:00	Yeah Billy, we survived alright, but I wonder whether we could claim ACC because of it ... ;)	Sanco (683)
1 2 3