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Thread ID: 125841	2012-07-22 23:09:00	Monday Laughs.....Aphorisms, birth control and more.................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1290125	2012-07-22 23:09:00	. . Aphorisms -It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. -You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -We have enough "youth", how about a fountain of "smart"? -The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. -A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party -When blondes have more fun, do they know it? -Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two days it's an amusement park. ********************************* After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children........ The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a paper bag, then hold the bag up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "Bejasus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a paper bag next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a paper bag. He held the bag up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the bag between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. Already popular in Ireland, this procedure is also finding favour in the UK and Australia, and it also works successfully in Southern USA. In New Zealand uptake has been limited to Northland, New Plymouth, Wellington Central, Westport, and Stewart Island. ********************************* A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned just before the phone actually rang. The telephone repairman proceded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground rod with a steel chain and collar. 2. The ground rod was loose due to the dog's movement pulling it in different directions. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by just pissing around and moaning. Thought you'd like to know. ********************************* Heaven A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill, and then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Hawaii and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am, which is a real bummer! So, how do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "antidisestablishmentarianism ...." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later! ********************************* Peter went into a Clinic and asked to see a doctor. "I'm sorry" said the Nurse, "the doctor is busy with another patient, but perhaps I can help you?" 'I don't think so" said the man "it is about my organ and it is rather embarrassing you see, so I'm afraid you might laugh at me." "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Peter, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to an AA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to suippress a giggle, but it just came out, and then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Peter replied. She left the room. ********************************* For several weeks I have agonised over the merits of using this last joke. On the one hand it is arguably tasteless, embodying as it does, racism, disrespect to the physically handicapped, negative references to alternative sexualities, mocking the Royals, and irreverence toward the God of your choice, then one day I stopped agonising for a moment and thought: "these elements represent a microcosm of today's Society!" So I decided it was in fact entirely inclusive of our society and its many faceted individuals, reflecting as it does the diverse tastes, beliefs, lifestyles and concepts of humour, so I figured it was the best shot I'd ever have at getting most of society cracking a smile at each other's foibles. (Actually, I just thought "What the hell, last time Monday Laughs got whacked was for a very funny joke that provoked a complaint from somebody or other because it focused on one sector of the community, so this time, instead of using a sharpshooter's rifle and telescopic sight, I figured I'd fire grapeshot from a wide-bore cannon.) Here's an example of absolute literary brilliance by one individual, when asked to write a concise essay containing, in sequence, the following elements: 1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Physical Disability 4) Racism 5) Homosexuality The prize-winner wrote: 'My God,' cried the Queen, 'that one-legged ni@#er is a poof'. Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1290126	2012-07-22 23:36:00	. The prize-winner wrote: 'My God,' cried the Queen, 'that one-legged ni@#er is a poof'. :lol::lol::lol: What's your new address in the sin bin Billy, so I can send you a get out of jail card? :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1290127	2012-07-23 00:08:00	Well done again Billy.	mikebartnz (21)
1290128	2012-07-23 00:35:00	:thumbs: Love the second to last one Billy :lol:	Nick G (16709)
1290129	2012-07-23 02:17:00	Haha loved the last one too +1 Great work Billy. I hope Monday Laughs goes forever - helps me get through this painful day.	lordnoddy (3645)
1290130	2012-07-23 02:44:00	They were all brilliant! some new ones i have never heard. Thanks for making this grey day bright again Billy 100%	Gobe1 (6290)
1290131	2012-07-23 02:45:00	Another Heaven joke On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a Priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!"	tutaenui (1724)
1290132	2012-07-23 04:59:00	@tutaenui. That one is brilliant. :thumbs:	Nick G (16709)
1290133	2012-07-23 06:44:00	Excellent as usual	gary67 (56)
1290134	2012-07-23 07:26:00	The last one was a belter Billy. Haven't laughed so much since Dolly Parton got her boobs caught in the wringer. Ken	kenj (9738)
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