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Thread ID: 125958	2012-07-29 11:43:00	Monday Laughs....Billy's Night Owl / Early Bird Special.................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1291511	2012-07-29 11:43:00	. . . Got a busy morning tomorrow, so I'm posting early..... More Aphorisms Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Don't Drink and Drive, you might hit a bump and spill something. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. We are born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse. Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you. ********************************* Irish Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '£39.00.' The husband was amazed and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: 'Any wooden structure, with an automatic sprinkler system over it, Annual Premium £39.00.' ********************************* Little Asian kid walks into a bar….. He has the most amazing and colourful parrot on his shoulder…… The barman says “Wow!!! That’s awesome, where did you get it?” “China, there’s f#$!ing millions of them!” replied the parrot. ********************************* One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving (too much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risqué emails) that was going on, so he called one of his angels to go to Earth. When he returned, the angel told God: 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'! So God called another angel, and sent him to Earth too. When the angel returned, he went to God & said: 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going ! Do you know what the e-mail said ? No ? Okay, just checking with you. ********************************* ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military response capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. Attribution: John Cleese British writer, actor and tall person. A final thought... Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1291512	2012-07-29 13:11:00	Well done Billy. I rather like it on a Sunday night. Helps with the Mondayitus.	mikebartnz (21)
1291513	2012-07-29 17:00:00	You have outdone youself this week. Thanks.	tut (12033)
1291514	2012-07-29 20:52:00	Thanks as always	gary67 (56)
1291515	2012-07-29 21:08:00	Good one Billy.	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1291516	2012-07-29 21:58:00	Good Jokes. I expect the US security alert has gone from 'lets talk about invading a neighbour', to 'invading several neighbours? :D	Nick G (16709)
1291517	2012-07-29 23:46:00	To mark the Olympics, Here are the top eight comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.	tutaenui (1724)
1291518	2012-07-29 23:54:00	Brilliant Billy Thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1291519	2012-07-30 04:53:00	Thanks Billy! Tutaenui - Brilliant.	lordnoddy (3645)
1291520	2012-07-30 05:49:00	Tutaenui - funny.	ChazTheGeek (16619)
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