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Thread ID: 126646	2012-09-09 23:49:00	Monday Laughs......Nuns, Politicians, Lawyers and Criminals....just your usual Monday	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1299941	2012-09-09 23:49:00	. . I once knew a stand-up comedian who was born with no legs. He was fired for sitting down on the job. He argued with the Boss but got nowhere, so he went to an Employment Lawyer. No joy there either, the Lawyer said he didn't have a leg to stand on………… ********************************* After a covert visit to the local “Pleasure Palace,” a Politician notices big green lumps on his willy, so off he goes to his doctor. “I'm afraid that is quite serious” says the Doctor, "and you'll not be sheet-surfing for quite a while!" "Oh my god" cries the politician "What on earth is it?" “Well” says the Doctor,“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?” “Yes” says the Politician, nodding seriously. The Doctor says: “I'm afraid you’ve got a bad crop of brothel sprouts.” ********************************* A Nun was 'caught short' on the street, and badly needing to use the toilet, she went into a local Bar. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would flash off, then back on again. Every time the lights went out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use your toilets? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the Nun. So the bartender showed her to the Ladies at the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give her a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I used your facilities?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled Nun. 'Well you see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out in the bar. Now, how about that drink?' ********************************* Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals into nursing homes. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a comfortable suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, exercise room, spiritual counselling, heated pool, education, adequate clothing, shoes, slippers, warm nightwear, and legal aid would be free on request. There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard and gardens. Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be adhered to strictly. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room charged at $600.00 per week that they or their rellies must pay, and they'd have no hope of ever getting out alive. Sounds fair enough to me........ ********************************* Think about this --------------------- The UN keeps talking about drafting Constitutions for African and Arab dictatorships ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore. --------------------- Supposedly for 'secular' reasons, we can't have the Ten Commandments displayed in a Courthouse or Parliament, but the real reason is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment. --------------------- Think about this too .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- you are probably part of the problem! It is time for the grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1299942	2012-09-09 23:55:00	haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1299943	2012-09-10 00:17:00	haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy +1 - Cheers Billy!	lordnoddy (3645)
1299944	2012-09-10 00:34:00	haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy +1	mikebartnz (21)
1299945	2012-09-10 01:08:00	I liked the one about jail vs rest homes, so true...	Agent_24 (57)
1299946	2012-09-10 01:10:00	haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy +1	Nick G (16709)
1299947	2012-09-10 01:14:00	Good laughs - I liked the fig leaf one.	Bobh (5192)
1299948	2012-09-10 07:05:00	Good one Billy, Funny!!	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1299949	2012-09-10 09:07:00	Your story of the legless man reminds me one about an armless man. There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms! He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life." He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?' He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."	tutaenui (1724)
1299950	2012-09-10 09:19:00	What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming? Bob! What do you call a male child with no arms or legs? Bouy	gary67 (56)
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