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Thread ID: 127154	2012-10-07 10:27:00	Monday Laughs...............Bits 'n Snippets, posting early for Xmas.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1305573	2012-10-07 10:27:00	. . Never Lose Your Grandson! My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I've lost my grandad!” The guard asked, “What’s he like?’ The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Scotch and Coke, and sheilas with nice boobs!” ********************************* A guy asked a girl in a library, do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl answered with a loud voice "NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND A NIGHT WITH YOU." All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she said " I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, and his expression when he is embarrassed. The guy replied with a loud voice said "HAW, HAW! $500 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT. THAT'S FAR TOO MUCH." All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty. ********************************* Levels of Stress: You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. As you drive along, suddenly she faints, so you take her to the nearest Hospital A&E. Now that's stressful. But at the Hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you on becoming a father. You say you are not the father, and you have only just met her, but girl insists that you are. This is getting very stressful. So then you go to your Doctor and request a battery of tests to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed the Doctor says you infertile, and probably have been since birth. Your are extremely stressed, but relieved. On you way home from the Doctor, you think about your wife and your three children. Now THAT is stress! ********************************* Snippets During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said: "We didn't even know they were living up there". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is now being broadcast 5 times a week. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?" ********************************* Rerun of an oldie but a goodie An elderly couple were sitting in a bar one night enjoying a quiet drink. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village Tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there and we do it again for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" his wife replies. A Police Officer sitting nearby overheard their conversation, and chuckling to himself, he thinks to himself: I don't believe this, two old-timers trying to have sex against a fence? It's a lot rougher around that Tavern now than it was when they were young so I'd better keep an eye on them to make sure there's no trouble, and he follows them out. The elderly couple walk haltingly along, aided by walking sticks and leaning on each other for support. Finally they get to the Tavern, go around the back and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers and as she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and straighten out their clothing. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1305574	2012-10-07 10:36:00	Thanks Billy - some good ones there :thumbs:.	Erayd (23)
1305575	2012-10-07 18:07:00	good laughs. Thanks Billy.	Bobh (5192)
1305576	2012-10-07 19:13:00	Nice ones Billy.	Nick G (16709)
1305577	2012-10-07 19:31:00	Electric fence I like it	gary67 (56)
1305578	2012-10-07 19:37:00	Yay Monday Laughs!!! Thanks Billy. I p*ssed myself about the falling tree!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1305579	2012-10-07 19:49:00	Haha awesome finale thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1305580	2012-10-07 21:08:00	A man using Apple maps walk into a bar. Or maybe a hospital... or possibly a church.	The Error Guy (14052)
1305581	2012-10-07 21:29:00	Wonderful, as ever. :thanks	Marnie (4574)
1305582	2012-10-07 21:34:00	A man using Apple Maps walk into a bar. Or maybe a hospital... or possibly a church. Love it! Wish I'd posted that. :devil Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
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