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Thread ID: 127385	2012-10-20 03:32:00	Children	pctek (84)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1307714	2012-10-20 03:32:00	PREPARATION Women: To prepare for pregnancy 1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. 2. Leave it there. 3. After nine months remove 5 per cent of the beans. KNOWLEDGE Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. NIGHTS To discover how the nights will feel: 1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4. Set the alarm for 3am. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6. Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off. DRESSING SMALL CHILDREN 1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout. Time Allowed: 5 minutes. CARS 1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon. 2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player. 4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. GROCERY SHOPPING 1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. 2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. 3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. TEST NINE: FEEDING A 1 YEAR-OLD 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane. 5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. MESS 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? 4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5. 5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there. You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!	pctek (84)
1307715	2012-10-20 05:13:00	:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Am on Android, can't do emoticons but rofl !!! LL	lakewoodlady (103)
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