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Thread ID: 127522	2012-10-28 09:23:00	Monday Laughs.....Wise Words, ladies of the night, and Spam l am............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1309242	2012-10-29 00:27:00	The Beer Scooter How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home . The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter . The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine . Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices . The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone . Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter . The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal . It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment . This generates the second question after a night out: 'How did I spend so much money?' Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries) . An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip . The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for . This generates the third question after a night out: 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the OEMIT (Overtly Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most . Unfortunately one person's OEMIT is not necessarily the OEMIT of another and, quite often, lost time is regained over a suitable period . Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences . With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through franchise specialising in half-eaten kebabs and pizza crusts . Another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and “Thump-A-Lot Boots” . These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe, you are sure to wake up your other half . Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring-barked shins . The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System) . This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night . PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt .	johcar (6283)
1309243	2012-10-29 00:32:00	LOL Johcar that is awesome :thumbs:	Gobe1 (6290)
1309244	2012-10-29 01:01:00	LOL Johcar that is awesome :thumbs: :D :clap	WalOne (4202)
1309245	2012-10-29 06:39:00	All great! :D	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1309246	2012-10-29 06:43:00	A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1309247	2012-10-29 07:32:00	:lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1309248	2012-10-29 08:32:00	A man went to a store intending to buy a flash new TV. He looked at a high end one, and said to the salesman 'Excuse me sir. How much is that TV?' The salesman replied 'One dollar'. Astounded, the man replied 'Ok then, how much is that fridge over there?' 'Fifty cents', the salesman answered. 'Those prices are crazy!' the man said. 'What's happening here - is this a joke?!' The salesman replied 'No, its no joke. I'll let you in on the secret though if you want.' Curious, the man said 'Sure! What is it?' The answer - 'Well, my boss is around at my house, and what he's doing to my wife, I'm doing to his business.'	Nick G (16709)
1309249	2012-10-30 06:12:00	Good grief, it's Tuesday already ... John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his flatmate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just flatmates." About a week later, Julie remarked to John "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find our beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter and ask, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"	WalOne (4202)
1309250	2012-10-30 08:00:00	:D	jonovw (16835)
1309251	2012-10-31 05:25:00	A man Moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter From his grandmother asking him to send her a Current photo of himself in his new Location. Too Embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails It. The next Day he discovers that he had accidentally sent The bottom half of the photo. He's really Worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't Notice. A few Weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the Picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your Nose look too short." Love, Grandma	Cicero (40)
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