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Thread ID: 127522	2012-10-28 09:23:00	Monday Laughs.....Wise Words, ladies of the night, and Spam l am............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1309232	2012-10-28 09:23:00	. . Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts. Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect! Going out is good.. Coming home is better! You forget names .... But it's ok because other people forgot they even knew you!!! You realise you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf. The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep". You miss the days when everything worked with just an "On" and "Off" switch.. You tend to use more four-letter words .... "what?"..."when?"... ??? Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! What used to be freckles are now liver spots. Everybody whispers. You have three sizes of clothes in your closet ..... two of which you will never wear. But old is good in some things: Old songs, old movies, and best of all, old friends!! It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived ********************************* Norman & the prostitute Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.' ****************************** Retirement is different for everyone One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her: "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes and they're having a garage sale". ****************************** A drunken totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane, Australia. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a nude woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!" ****************************** I am spam, Spam-I-am. That Spam-I-am. That Spam-I-am. I do not like That Spam-I-am. Do you like my E-mail spam? I do not like it, Spam-I-am. I do not like your E-mail Spam. Would you like it, here or there? I would not like it. here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. Would you like it if it's lewd? Would you like it in the nude? I would not like it if it's lewd. I would not like it in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. Would you want it via ISP? Would you want it 'cause it's free? No, not at my ISP. No not even if it's free. Not if it's lewd. Not in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it. Spam-I-am. Would you? Could you? From afar? Take them! Take them! Here they are. I would not, could not, from afar. You will like them. You will see. You will like them, buy from me! I would not, could not buy from thee. Not from afar! You let me be. No not at my ISP. Not even when your spam is free. Not if its lewd. Not in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. A bunch! A bunch! A bunch! A bunch! Could you, would you, love a bunch? Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee! Not from afar! Spam! Let me Be! No not at my ISP. No not even when it's free. Not if its lewd. Not in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. Say! On a lark? Here on a lark! Would you read it on a lark? I would not read it on a lark? Would you, could you think again? I would not, could not, think again. Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee! Not from afar! Not ISP. I do not like it, Spam, you see. Not even when your spam is free. Not if its lewd. Not in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. Would you, could you, pyramid scheme? I would not, could not, pyramid scheme! Would you, could you, quite obscene? I could not, would not, quite obscene. Will not, will not, pyramid scheme. I will not read it on a lark. I will not, will not think again. Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee! Not from afar! Not ISP. Not even when it's free. Not if its lewd. Not in the nude. I would not like it here or there. I would not like it anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. I do not like it Spam-I-am. You do not like it, so you say. Read it! Read it! And you may. Read it and you may, I say. Spam! If you will let me be, I will try it, You will see. Say! I do detest your e-mail spam! I do! I hate it! Spam-I-am! I really hate you, and your floozie! I will hunt you with an Uzi! I do not want that spam obscene! I do not want your pyramid scheme! They should take you to the deck! And once there, should stretch your neck! You are so evil, so evil, you see! Get thee Satan away from me! If I could find your ISP, I would hang you from a tree! I do not like you here or there. I would not like you anywhere. I do not like your e-mail spam. So Death to you , Spam-I-am. Congratulations if you made it this far, that was the longest single Monday Laughs item ever!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
1309233	2012-10-28 09:40:00	Monday already :waughh: What happened to Sunday night :D	wainuitech (129)
1309234	2012-10-28 10:41:00	NO!!!! is sunday over already? That means I have to deal with Aussies already.	nedkelly (9059)
1309235	2012-10-28 19:21:00	Yay for a Billy T Monday again :banana :D:D	WalOne (4202)
1309236	2012-10-28 20:45:00	Love them all Billy Thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1309237	2012-10-28 21:15:00	Yay for a Billy T Monday again :banana :D:D Heh that's pretty clever how the banana is dancing on the smilies =D YAY Monday laughs! Great ones billy - good take on Dr Sues!	lordnoddy (3645)
1309238	2012-10-28 21:28:00	Keep the ball rolling shall we? *** When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"	lordnoddy (3645)
1309239	2012-10-28 21:56:00	Heh that's pretty clever how the banana is dancing on the smilies =D Neat isn't it? But not mine - I copied it from someone, it may have been Johcar, I'm not sure :thumbs:	WalOne (4202)
1309240	2012-10-28 22:49:00	I do not want 419 scams and spam... hehe	Agent_24 (57)
1309241	2012-10-28 23:31:00	An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'	tutaenui (1724)
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