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Thread ID: 127647	2012-11-04 20:39:00	Monday Laughs............Closing down sale...Snippets to clear.................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1310523	2012-11-04 20:39:00	. . A Males' Lament........... My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be ------------------- I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart pounded, I came out is a sweat and had trouble breathing. It was very dangerous, and I don't recommend it. ------------------- It is really funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. She thinks it is a punishment........ ------------------- If there was a way to read my wife's mind, I am not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping and gossip, and I already know I am annoying. ------------------- Dear women who are awsome, smart, sexy and madly in love with me........ Please start existing. ------------------- Womens' panties are just overpriced wrapping paper. ------------------- Judging by the frying pan that just flew past my head, I just did something wrong. I can't wait to find out what it was............. ********************************* A Females' Lament Gonna be a bear........ In this life I'm a woman, but in my next life I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and you wake to partly grown cute cuddly cubs! I could definitely deal with that. If you're a Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs, and if your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that as well. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling, and he EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat! Yep, I'm definitely gonna be a bear ********************************* A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees". ********************************* Why She Changed Motels: Last week, she checked into a motel on her 50th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." ********************************* And because I care about for your collective Souls, a religious finish.........:devil Three boys are in the playground bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1310524	2012-11-04 20:48:00	I bet that lady in the motel was red faced. Good laughs there. Is it Monday already.	Bobh (5192)
1310525	2012-11-04 20:52:00	Bahahaha! Awesome today Billy!!! Cheers! - Did you by chance get the "Lion's eat anything" joke from Wal? :banana	lordnoddy (3645)
1310526	2012-11-04 21:00:00	Liked the zoo joke, and I want to be a bear too.	pctek (84)
1310527	2012-11-04 21:42:00	Another auspicious Monday. :thanks	WalOne (4202)
1310528	2012-11-04 22:27:00	Just for more LOLs. *** Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a ****. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts." "So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!" The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands. "I told you," explained the drinker. "No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman. "That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults." *** Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" *** A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a B***H!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."	lordnoddy (3645)
1310529	2012-11-05 00:20:00	A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’	tutaenui (1724)
1310530	2012-11-05 00:51:00	LOLZ to all, thanks Billy and co. I knew Pctek would like to be a bear...	Gobe1 (6290)
1310531	2012-11-06 05:48:00	A senior SWMBO visits the doctor and says "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the senior SWMBO goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... smell terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."	WalOne (4202)
1310532	2012-11-06 22:50:00	Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."	WalOne (4202)
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