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Thread ID: 128109	2012-12-03 02:40:00	Monday Laughs.......... Predominantly another whack at the Irish..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1316128	2012-12-03 02:40:00	. . In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford Escort,” instead of, “I’ve just f***ed a fourteen year old escort.” The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother. SB: R2x1 ********************************* Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ... Iranian Air Defence Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Iranian Air Defence Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart immediately our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' Iranian Air Defence Site: .................... total silence! ********************************* Another whack at the Irish, but I'm not prejudiced, honest! One of my grandfathers was Irish, and a drunken sot an' all he was too...........(True) Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden." ------------------------- Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!" ------------------------- A coach load of Paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52! ------------------------- Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef" ------------------------- Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday." ------------------------- Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." ------------------------- The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ------------------------- Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, – I'll be taken her with me!" ------------------------- Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------- Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Sure an' I did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine." ********************************* They Are Finally Together … Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. Judy again remarried; she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin the preacher thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel … Her legs" ********************************* All Blacks vs England ********************************* Cheers Billy 8-{) :) May be some repeats this week, I didn't have time to check! Mrs T is still in Hospital so I'm shuttling to and fro every day. Hopefully she'll be home in a few days	Billy T (70)
1316129	2012-12-03 02:47:00	Thanks Billy, tell Mrs T to get well soon.	Gobe1 (6290)
1316130	2012-12-03 02:50:00	Get well soon, Mrs T! Hope you're coping okay, too, Billy.	Zara Baxter (16260)
1316131	2012-12-03 03:22:00	Best wishes to Mrs T there Billy - thanks heaps for keeping up these great Monday Laughs! Loved all today... especially the Escort one and doing something sexy to a tractor =D	lordnoddy (3645)
1316132	2012-12-03 03:34:00	Get well soon, Mrs T! Hope you're coping okay, too, Billy. Thanks for the kind thoughts, she has had a bit of a rough time, including a nurse tripping over a drain and causing some pain and damage, so a one or two night stay at a Clinic has extended to a transfer to a major hospital and four or five nights. Her Op lasted over 6 hours, and I reckon that much time under anaesthetic has to knock you around a bit too. I just told her what I was cooking myself for dinner and she shrieked with laughter :blush: , so I guess she is feeling a lot better today. I am well house-trained so I cope OK, problem is though that although I cooked for years, I haven't had to do much at all since Mrs T appeared on the scene and commandeered the kitchen, then at an early age our daughter and son began cooking and baking and both became very competent indeed, so I took over cleaning up the mess afterwards as my contribution. Consequently the lack of practice hasn't done much for my culinary skills. Pre Mrs T I had always cooked for myself, so I wasn't 100% hopeless and although it was plain and simple, it was never out of a can or packet, or takeaways. So, I won't be sorry to drag, carry or wheel her over the threshhold once again!!!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1316133	2012-12-03 06:35:00	An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's. Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.	tutaenui (1724)
1316134	2012-12-03 06:49:00	Thanks again Billy and all the best to the better half.	mikebartnz (21)
1316135	2012-12-03 09:48:00	Thanks Bily Those Irish one (sorry two) liners were great. especially the one with the whole street watching his wife.	Digby (677)
1316136	2012-12-03 09:50:00	The poor old Irish. :) My husband is of Irish descent and he laughs at Irish jokes, anyway. Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ' I remembered where I left me hat." Every good wish for Mrs T, as well, Billy.	Marnie (4574)
1316137	2012-12-03 17:55:00	I just told her what I was cooking myself for dinner and she shrieked with laughter :blush: , so I guess she is feeling a lot better today. Why, what were you cooking for dinner?	pctek (84)
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