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Thread ID: 128269 2012-12-09 23:05:00 Monday Laughs........ Adoption, Wives, Blondes, Councils...The usual culprits..... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1317333 2012-12-09 23:05:00 .
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Contemplating Marriage or a Relationship With a Significant Other ..

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

.....Then adopt a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

.....Then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

.....Then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

.....Then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually


.....Then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .....





.....Then adopt a cat.


You thought this was gonna say... Marry a man, didn't you?

*********************************


The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens..' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For heavens sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

*********************************


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! SO I CAN'T park the f*$%ing car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

SB SP8's

*********************************


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down..

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I will give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, then off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World

SB R2x1

*********************************


In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying : "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system and my neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the Ark accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord" said Noah, "but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The need has passed, the Government has beaten me to it."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1317334 2012-12-09 23:11:00 Cheers Billy :D. Erayd (23)
1317335 2012-12-09 23:23:00 haha loved chimpanzee one
thanks Billy 		Gobe1 (6290)
1317336 2012-12-09 23:28:00 :thanks Billy! WalOne (4202)
1317337 2012-12-09 23:37:00 Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The need has passed, the Government has beaten me to it."

hehe :D 		Agent_24 (57)
1317338 2012-12-10 00:32:00 . pctek (84)
1317339 2012-12-10 00:58:00 4549

I just love this one... 		Agent_24 (57)
1317340 2012-12-10 01:51:00 Great stuff.. Cheers Billy!

Lol @ both images above... 		lordnoddy (3645)
1317341 2012-12-10 06:18:00 Merry Xmas.


Company Memo Press F1

FROM: Head Honcho
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,



Company Memo Press F1

FROM: Head Honcho
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,



Company Memo Press F1

FROM: Head Honcho
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo Press F1

FROM: Head Honcho
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay Men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay Men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?



Company Memo Press F1

FROM: HeadHoncho
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: December 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you ****** weirdoes can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The ***** from Hell!!!

Company Memo Press F1

FROM: Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing our head honcho a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

;) 		B.M. (505)
1317342 2012-12-10 06:56:00 A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times." 		tutaenui (1724)
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