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Thread ID: 128577	2012-12-30 19:54:00	Monday Laughs - the New Years Eve Edition	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1320723	2012-12-30 19:54:00	Hi guys, here’s your stand-in comedy duo, Sheriff Walone and Deputy R2x1 again, with the last Monday Laughs of 2012, so: Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true. Alfred, Lord Tennyson. ###><<>><### Resigned as we are to the ringy-dingy thing, here are eight thoughts to ponder before launching ourselves into 2013; Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. ###><<>><### VIDEO: Let’s break the ice … c’mon in, the water’s fine, guys C'MON IN! (www.huffingtonpost.co.uk seconds_n_2335773.html#slide=1872530) Watch the second screen - #20 of 21 ###><<>><### An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom. “Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of the others whispers, “Say something.” The leader sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.” ###><<>><### New Years Eve, and because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ###><<>><### 2012 is almost over, and Jack is miserably contemplating yet another year with more of his, ermm, “male problem.” Jack goes to his GP and says "Doctor, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in Auckland, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but that roll up my ass really hurt!"" ###><<>><### Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tonnes of hay, and 1000 kilos of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out. ###><<>><### VIDEO: un elephant rose ELEPHANTS (www.youtube.com) ###><<>><### Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up at the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and asks, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That’s nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..." ###><<>><### Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - either way, you get your dog back!" ###><<>><### Fred takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy.” ###><<>><### A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool. ###><<>><### A furniture dealer from Parnell decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Parnell. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business ... Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just … gargle. ###><<>><### Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on intrigued as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis". ###><<>><### John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.” "Once I had to pull him by the ears before he would come, and the other time he fell asleep". ###><<>><### On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death. ###><<>><### Getting close to Midnight? VIDEO: 7:57 Music and Fireworks (in HD) FIREWORKS! (www.youtube.com) Frohes Neues Jahr (Happy New Year) Music by Argentinian Abba Revival Band ###><<>><### Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. • Someone call the cleaners we're going to need a mop. • Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness! • Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? • Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie. • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? • Darn, there go the lights again... • You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them… • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. • What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! • Anyone see where I left that scalpel? • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card? • Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough. • What do you mean "You want a divorce"! • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover! ###><<>><### • To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative. • Then I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. • Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes. • I started jogging, but the trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. • I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul • New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain • Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? Ogden Nash ###><<>><### Auld Lang Syne Where auld acquaintance be forgot ... unless, of course, those tests come back positive. Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.' Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse. Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? And here's a hand, my trusty friend And gie's a hand o' thine We'll tak'a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne. ###><<>><### VIDEO – The best of 2012. Only in America: Move the Deer Crossings: DEER CROSSING (www.huffingtonpost.co.uk) ###><<>><### God grant me in 2013, the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ###><<>><### And the final word for 2012 from your stand-in Comedy Duo Sheriff Walone and Deputy R2x1: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Slainte Mhath, and Happy New Year, everyone! ###><<>><###	WalOne (4202)
1320724	2012-12-30 20:30:00	Thanks Wal, great jokes!! Happy New Year Wal, R2... and every one else :thumbs:	Gobe1 (6290)
1320725	2012-12-30 22:36:00	Thanks	gary67 (56)
1320726	2012-12-30 22:52:00	Great jokes.	Bobh (5192)
1320727	2012-12-31 00:07:00	I liked the furniture dealer one....	Digby (677)
1320728	2012-12-31 00:30:00	Cheers, have a good one, everyone!	KarameaDave (15222)
1320729	2012-12-31 05:29:00	A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".. The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum ?" "Your name never came up," she replied.	R2x1 (4628)
1320730	2012-12-31 07:25:00	Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador " " No way" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.... I received a parcel from Holland today, I opened it and there was a rubber fanny inside, I thought "thats nice, two lips from Amsterdam" Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged From a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors have desribed his condition as " STABLE" My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Read a survey earlier on why men liked blowjobs... 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!	tutaenui (1724)
1320731	2012-12-31 22:17:00	Frank arrived at his Internal Revenue Department audit accompanied by another man. Going over his records, the IRD official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported income. How do you explain that?" Frank replied, "I love to gamble and I always win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Frank. "How about a demonstration?" The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Frank said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Frank removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Frank said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The official could tell Frank wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Frank then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole! "Want to go double or nothing?" Frank asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Frank climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Frank's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked. The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Frank bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" :D	WalOne (4202)
1320732	2012-12-31 22:47:00	That is brilliant WalOne! :lol: :lol:	Nick G (16709)
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