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Thread ID: 128577	2012-12-30 19:54:00	Monday Laughs - the New Years Eve Edition	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1320733	2013-01-01 02:29:00	I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?' That's how the fight started ...	WalOne (4202)
1320734	2013-01-01 09:51:00	Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps. He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump. As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy. They finally decided on...... .. 'Humpfree'! Oh, stop your whining...It's a nice story and better than a lot of the other junk I send.	R2x1 (4628)
1320735	2013-01-01 19:42:00	The professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood slightly. Pointing to a young woman in the front row he asked, "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at a pub with his friends." :D	WalOne (4202)
1320736	2013-01-02 06:51:00	One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have se*x?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started.... .. ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." And then the fight started.... .... ________________________________ CB: Tut :thanks	WalOne (4202)
1320737	2013-01-02 09:25:00	A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are product failures." I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!	R2x1 (4628)
1320738	2013-01-03 04:28:00	Blond Cops A policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives . To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it . "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says "Well . . . Uh . . that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly " . . . . think hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM . . . the suspect is wearing contact lenses . " The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not . "Well, that is a good answer . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face . "Wow! I can't believe it . . . it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses . Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied . "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!" ****** Home Early The (blonde) husband gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom . He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting . "What's up?" he says . "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman . He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The husband slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door . Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor . "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!" :D	WalOne (4202)
1320739	2013-01-03 05:05:00	Superb!	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1320740	2013-01-03 08:19:00	Blonde Medical Terminology Anally - occurring yearly Artery - study of paintings Bacteria - back door of cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails Benign - what you be after you be eight Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U Caesarian section - district in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - a punctuation mark Condom - small apartment complex Congenital - friendly D+C - where Washington is Diaphragm - drawing in geometry Diarrhea - journal of daily events Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set Fester - quicker Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke" Fibula - a small lie Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game Grippe - suitcase Hangnail - coat hook Impotent - distinguished, well known Intense pain - torture in a teepee Labor pain - got hurt at work Medical staff - doctor's cane Menopause - button on the VHS remote control Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels Morbid - higher offer Nitrates - cheaper than day rates Node - was aware of Outpatient - person who had fainted Pap smear - fatherhood test Pelvis - cousin of Elvis Post operative - letter carrier Protein - favoring young people Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em Recovery room - place to do upholstery Rheumatic - amorous Scar - rolled tobacco leaf Scrotum - small planet near Uranus Secretion - hiding anything Seizure - Roman emperor Serology - study of knighthood Tablet - small tablet Terminal illness - sickness at airport Testicles - found on an octopus Tibia - country in North Africa Tumor - an extra pair Umbilical cord - part of a parachute Urine - opposite of you're out Vagina - heart trouble Varicose - located nearby Vein - conceited Vulva - automobile from Sweden -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Top Ten Inventions By Blonds The waterproof towel Solar-powered flash light Submarine screen door A book on how to read Inflatable dart board A dictionary index Ejector seat in a helicopter Powdered water Pedal-powered wheelchair Waterproof tea bags	R2x1 (4628)
1320741	2013-01-03 22:07:00	HAHHAHAHHA :D A Blonde's Year (In America) Blonde Logic January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! What a year!!	ChazTheGeek (16619)
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