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Thread ID: 128762	2013-01-13 23:42:00	Monday Laughs...........A special Australian Edition to Celebrate Our Safe Return	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1322736	2013-01-13 23:42:00	. . On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through South Australia. In the town of Mamungkukumpurangkuntjunya they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, slowly?" The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king' ********************************* Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff! ********************************* A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, right under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS FOOD And that my friends, pretty much sums up the Australian media's approach to the news these days. ********************************* A large woman, on R'n'R from the Mines, walked into a Bar in Perth wearing a sleeveless sun dress. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a thirsty lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the Ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the Ballerina another drink!' The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, mate, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!' ********************************* A middle-aged Aussie bloke, not feeling quite the full quid, walked in to the Doctor's surgery and asked for a comprehensive medical. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, the Doctor told him he was doing 'fairly well' for his age. A little concerned about that comment, the bloke couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' The Doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' said the bloke, 'and I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then the Doctor asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'No' says the bloke, 'my previous doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, fishing, hiking or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' he said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' sez the bloke. The Doctor then look at him and asked................'Then, why do you even give a shlt?' ********************************* A Northern Territory Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval, the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed the whole shooting match, ammunition bags and all, into the crocodile's open maw. The croc closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute,the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered, then the man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd, then after a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........'I'll try it' she said -'Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :D Special thanks to the dynamic duo Walone and R2x1 who so capably looked after your mental health and morals while we were away in Oz. They set a very high standard indeed! We had a great time over the actual Xmas break with three Xmas dinners (one midday barby on Xmas day with the rag-tag bunch at the Uni who had no place to go, the second that evening in our Apartment where Mrs T made a traditional dinner of us and a couple of students who also had no place to go, and a third on Boxing day with the extended family of some friends. New Years day we gathered up some more waifs and strays from the Uni, had a picnic lunch in the park and a proper New Years Day dinner that evening back in the apartment. It was amazing what Mrs T could turn out with next to no facilities, a supermarket and my wallet!	Billy T (70)
1322737	2013-01-13 23:49:00	Thanks Billy Good to hear the trip was a success	Gobe1 (6290)
1322738	2013-01-13 23:57:00	Not too bad. I like the Aussie humour.	Bobh (5192)
1322739	2013-01-14 00:30:00	Awesome to have you back Billy! Glad you had a great break. Wal and R2 did a great job! Monday is now complete!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1322740	2013-01-14 00:45:00	Top marks Billy.	mikebartnz (21)
1322741	2013-01-14 01:13:00	Welcome back Billy....loved the blonde one! Ken	kenj (9738)
1322742	2013-01-14 04:07:00	Welcome back and excellent as usual	gary67 (56)
1322743	2013-01-14 04:29:00	:thumbs: Welcome back Billy.	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1322744	2013-01-14 06:35:00	Good stuff, mate ... welcome back! :clap	WalOne (4202)
1322745	2013-01-16 03:00:00	The first Sunday after he gets his new dentures, the Minister preaches a sermon lasting 4 minutes. The second Sunday, he preaches for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he preaches for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Minister explained the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 4 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up. :lol:	WalOne (4202)
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