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Thread ID: 128867	2013-01-20 21:10:00	Monday Laughs...........It is a fair while since we last ran shorts..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1323938	2013-01-20 21:10:00	. . And they are clogging up my jokes file :) Quotable Quotes: When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' and we closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. - Desmond Tutu ~~~~~ America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. - David Letterman ~~~~~ Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for fifty years. - Betsy Salkind (Who is she?) ~~~~~ I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ~~~~~ When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ~~~~~ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ~~~~~ The best cure for sea-sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan ~~~~~ If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ~~~~~ Home cooking: Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ~~~~~ As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ~~~~~ If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters ~~~~~ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley (Another unknown!) SB R2x1 ********************************* Did I read that sign correctly? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK). ********************************* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. Really? Ya think? ~~~~~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ~~~~~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ~~~~~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ~~~~~ War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ~~~~~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ~~~~~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ~~~~~ Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ~~~~~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ~~~~~ Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ~~~~~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ~~~~~ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ~~~~~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ~~~~~ Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ~~~~~ Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ~~~~~ Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter . D'oh!! And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say? ********************************* Lastly, for those who like to read more than two lines at a time: A proper joke :D After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone: "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1323939	2013-01-20 21:20:00	haha brilliant Billy Thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1323940	2013-01-20 21:43:00	Cheers Billy! Yay Monday starts...	lordnoddy (3645)
1323941	2013-01-20 22:03:00	Might as well leave these here... *** Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail. The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this." The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these." The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..." *** During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."	lordnoddy (3645)
1323942	2013-01-20 23:16:00	I've often been asked, 'What do you retired folks do now that you've time on your hands'? Well.. with a chemical engineering background one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.	WalOne (4202)
1323943	2013-01-21 00:03:00	Subject: Fw: Another little poem..... -- A LITTLE POEM FOR YOU ALL I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav I've had it most my life It’s better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife! It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive "It's sixty clicks an hour", it says "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once a while I could turn the damned thing off!!! __________	Cicero (40)
1323944	2013-01-21 00:10:00	~ Robert Benchley (Another unknown!) Robert Charles Benchley (September 15, 1889 – November 21, 1945) was an American humorist best known for his work as a newspaper columnist and film actor. From his beginnings at the Harvard Lampoon while attending Harvard University, through his many years writing essays and articles for Vanity Fair and The New Yorker, and his acclaimed short films, Benchley's style of humor brought him respect and success during his life, from New York City and his peers at the Algonquin Round Table to contemporaries in the burgeoning film industry. Source: Wikipedia. One of the wittiest men of the 20th Century.	Tony (4941)
1323945	2013-01-21 00:16:00	Robert Charles Benchley (September 15, 1889 – November 21, 1945) was an American humorist best known for his work as a newspaper columnist and film actor. From his beginnings at the Harvard Lampoon while attending Harvard University, through his many years writing essays and articles for Vanity Fair and The New Yorker, and his acclaimed short films, Benchley's style of humor brought him respect and success during his life, from New York City and his peers at the Algonquin Round Table to contemporaries in the burgeoning film industry. Source: Wikipedia. One of the wittiest men of the 20th Century. Never heard of him.	Cicero (40)
1323946	2013-01-21 00:25:00	Never heard of him.Ah well, some of use are widely-read, and some aren't...	Tony (4941)
1323947	2013-01-21 00:36:00	Ah well, some of use are widely-read, and some aren't... True, but I have a feeling you will be alone with that one. My brother in law is a professor of English and he aint heard of either.	Cicero (40)
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