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Thread ID: 129006	2013-01-28 20:39:00	Tuesday Laughs...........The 'Monday was a holiday' edition..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1325382	2013-01-28 20:39:00	. . It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre, and after the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you, and all at the same time."said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to a murmur as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" he said, then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience were mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights twinkling as they reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch, and then, suddenly, the chain broke and the priceless watch fell to the stage, bursting apart on impact" "Shlt!" said Claude.......... It took them three days to clean all of the seats and floor of the Hall. Claude was never invited back. ********************************* As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realised that I don't really give a rat's arse. It's the tortoise life for me! 1... If walking is good for your health, postmen would be immortal. 2... A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4... A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for hundreds of years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. SB: R2x1 ********************************* On Aging: I'm retired. Go around me. --------------------- God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. --------------------- Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. Have I posted these here before...? SB: R2x1 ********************************* A pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am deeply embarrassed and do not intend to accept this slur on my character. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and the Christian family of tthis congregation." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde (with a body that could stop a runaway train) rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding........... I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Cheers Billy 8-{) :p	Billy T (70)
1325383	2013-01-28 21:13:00	hahaha loved the last one!	Agent_24 (57)
1325384	2013-01-28 21:17:00	nice loved that last one	jonovw (16835)
1325385	2013-01-28 21:18:00	Haha thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1325386	2013-01-28 21:45:00	. . A pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am deeply embarrassed and do not intend to accept this slur on my character. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and the Christian family of tthis congregation." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde (with a body that could stop a runaway train) rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding........... I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. SB LordNoddy I posted the last one a few Mondays ago... Fixed :) Cheers Billy! Still love them!	lordnoddy (3645)
1325387	2013-01-28 23:09:00	That poor Pastor. Great jokes.	Bobh (5192)
1325388	2013-01-29 07:52:00	Just as well Claude the Hypnotist didn't say [expletive deleted but one that begins with "F"] :devil	WalOne (4202)
1325389	2013-01-29 08:42:00	I posted the last one a few Mondays ago... Fixed :) Cheers Billy! Still love them! Possibly that was while Billy T was in the prison farm on the left bank of the Tasman creek?	R2x1 (4628)
1325390	2013-01-29 08:44:00	Just as well Claude the Hypnotist didn't say [expletive deleted but one that begins with "F"] :devil The cleaners may disagree with you! :horrified	R2x1 (4628)
1325391	2013-01-29 09:21:00	Possibly that was while Billy T was in the prison farm on the left bank of the Tasman creek? Erm! Very likely; the Warden wouldn't let me anywhere near computers so I was in solitary for three weeks. It was in my file of 'not used recently' jokes so I pulled it out. Of course a joke as good as that one can bear a little recycling! :D Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
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