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Thread ID: 129324	2013-02-18 01:54:00	Monday Laughs......Relationships, One-Liners, and start a movement..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1328585	2013-02-18 01:54:00	. . Men's Twenty Rules for a Peaceful Relationship. 1) Men are NOT mind readers. 2) You're a big girl now, so learn how to work the toilet seat.. If it's up, just put it down, you don't hear us complain about you leaving it down. 3) Sunday sports is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It comes around automatically, so let it be! 4) Ask for what you want. In fact, let us be absloutely clear on this: Subtle hints don't work! Strong hints don't work either! Just say it. 5) Whenever possible, please say whatever it is you have to say during the TV commercial breaks. 6) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question. 7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments we make become Null and Void after 7 days. 9) If you think your arse is fat, it probably is. Just don't ask us to comfirm it! It's simply not worth the risk. 10) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one. 11) You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, go right ahead, we don't mind. 12) If you made a mess of DIY, we'll fix it without complaining, but we'll expect concessions on beer drinking, sports on TV, and fewer visits to (and from) your relations. 13) Crying is blackmail. 14) Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we. 15) Men see in only 16 colors (like the Windows default setting). Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 16) If it itches, it will be scratched. We're men, we do that, we like it, it feels good. 17) If we ask "What is wrong?" and you reply "Nothing!", we will act like nothing is wrong, so get over it. 18) If you ask a question for which you really don't want an answer, expect an answer that you really didn't want to hear. 19) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you choose to wear is fine... Honest! 20) Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports. If you are a woman, thank you for reading this. If you are a man and don't mind sleeping on the couch tonight, show this to your wife or girlfriend! SB mikebartnz ********************************* One liners............. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he reckons he can stop any time he wants. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. PMS jokes aren't funny, period. Why were the Indians there first? Because they had reservations. I've got to take a Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. Breaking News: Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a Banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I needed dough. Velcro - what a rip off! Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Earthquake in Washington, D.C. its obviously the government's fault . I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too. ********************************* The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes! An elderly married couple were at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake Tom! Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!" ********************************* Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence: 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shlt ... is it midnight already?' The Washington Post described this as 'Best come-back line of all time.' ****************************** Finally, some Telemarketing advice Four Little Words That Work!! The four little words are: 'Hold the line please...' After saying this, just put down your phone instead of hanging-up immediately. This will make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that cold calling could well grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the line disconnected 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help keep your blood pressure down and could help eliminate telephone soliciting. With a little viral marketing, it could become a Movement. Whatever the outcome though, you will feel much happier after striking a blow for the interrupted masses You will never know unless you try! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1328586	2013-02-18 02:06:00	Thanks Billy EDIT: the one liners were great	Gobe1 (6290)
1328587	2013-02-18 02:19:00	2) You're a big girl now, so learn how to work the toilet seat.. If it's up, just put it down, you don't hear us complain about you leaving it down. We do that. I lift it, she lowers it, works just fine. 4) Ask for what you want. In fact, let us be absloutely clear on this: Subtle hints don't work! Strong hints don't work either! Just say it. 7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments we make become Null and Void after 7 days. 10) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one. 11) You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, go right ahead, we don't mind. 15) Men see in only 16 colors (like the Windows default setting). Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 16) If it itches, it will be scratched. We're men, we do that, we like it, it feels good. 17) If we ask "What is wrong?" and you reply "Nothing!", we will act like nothing is wrong, so get over it. 18) If you ask a question for which you really don't want an answer, expect an answer that you really didn't want to hear. 19) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you choose to wear is fine... Honest! So hilariously true, I can fully relate!	Chilling_Silence (9)
1328588	2013-02-18 02:20:00	Cheers Billy, I almost peed reading the last one! Effin funny! Love all the one liners too!	lordnoddy (3645)
1328589	2013-02-18 02:25:00	Thanks, Billy. Here's another for the library ... I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And....that's the last thing I remember....	WalOne (4202)
1328590	2013-02-18 02:41:00	Cyabro, I see you're online: PM for you :D	WalOne (4202)
1328591	2013-02-18 02:44:00	2) You're a big girl now, so learn how to work the toilet seat.. If it's up, just put it down, you don't hear us complain about you leaving it down. He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shlt ... is it midnight already?' I agree with that one - why is there such a fuss about the seat? Do ladies want it peed all over or something? The Pumpkin was the coach, so that doesn't work.....	pctek (84)
1328592	2013-02-18 03:55:00	Here's one for the end of the working day... *** A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"	lordnoddy (3645)
1328593	2013-02-18 04:27:00	Hahaha that's fantastic. Aaaah I recall my wedding night still :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
1328594	2013-02-18 05:11:00	:thumbs: Good one Billy. Thanks a lot.	ChazTheGeek (16619)
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