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Thread ID: 129212	2013-02-10 10:33:00	Monday Laughs...........Early bird edition..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1327335	2013-02-10 10:33:00	. . An Aussie Tale: My mate bought a bird feeder ... he hung it on his patio and filled it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder. Within a few months he had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the bird shlt. It was on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table ... everywhere! Next, some of the birds turned mean. They would dive-bomb him and try to peck him even though he had fed them out of his own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that he fill it whenever it got low on food. After a while, he couldn't even sit on his own back porch anymore. So he took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. He cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. and soon, his back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see .... The government gave out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, and free education, and allow anyone born in Oz to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for the free services; small flats are housing 5 or more families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency surgery because it is filled with illegal non-tax payers; your child's year 12 class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; you have to 'press one' to hear your Bank talk to you in English, and people waving flags other than our national pennant are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Its just my mate's (and my) opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to take down the damn bird feeder. But we hear that John Key has just hung one out in New Zealand , so that should help a little.............. ********************************* A University Professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start' he says, 'Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The Professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell all of us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the Professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost? Ahmed replied, "shlt, from way back there, I thought you said Goats." ********************************* Lesley and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow. Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The Therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf,.....can you pick her up?' ********************************* The Stork The Teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the Teacher, are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach!!! ********************************* Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season, when Indian man see cave, he holler ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' into the opening. If he get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for him. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' Immediately, there was the answer. ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' And, like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................ (You'll like this!) NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1327336	2013-02-10 19:45:00	:lol::lol: Loved the last one, thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1327337	2013-02-10 20:29:00	Haha loved the last one to, thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1327338	2013-02-10 21:26:00	:thanks	WalOne (4202)
1327339	2013-02-10 22:28:00	Cheers Billy... gotta love the Irish!	lordnoddy (3645)
1327340	2013-02-10 23:22:00	Thanks I liked the therapist one best!	Digby (677)
1327341	2013-02-13 00:50:00	God Has A Sense of Humour. A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to buy medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!" Is God good or what!?	Roscoe (6288)
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