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Thread ID: 129489	2013-02-25 05:20:00	Monday Laughs......A bit late, but worth the wait? ..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1329851	2013-02-25 05:20:00	. . Pope John and Titiwhai Harawira are on the same stage at Waitangi in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Titiwhai and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Titiwhai replied, "With one little wave of your hand? I seriously doubt that . . . Show me!" So the Pope back-handed her, knocking her clear off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered with enthusiasm, and verily the people were united in happiness throughout the land. SB: R2x1 Breaking news: The Pope plans to invite Hekia Parata tto join him on the Skywalk during his retirement tour of NZ! ********************************* A Drug Squad Officer stops at a farm in the deepest Southland, and speaks with the grizzled old Farmer. He says to the Farmer, "I need to search your property for illegally grown drugs." The Farmer says, "That's okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DS Officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the New Zealandl Government behind me," and reaching into his jacket pocket, he removes his Warrant and Badge, and proudly displays them to the Farmer. "See this badge?" he says. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...... .......on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The Farmer nods politely and reiterates his concern that he should not go into the field. "See this badge? The Officer shouts again. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land, anywhere, no questions asked. Now, have I made myself clear? Do...You...Understand? " The Farmer nods again and goes about his business. A short time later, the old Farmer hears loud screams and sees the DSO running for his life, being chased by the farmer's prize bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the Officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The Officer is clearly terrified. The Farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your Badge.....your Badge, show him your BADGE!!!!" SB mikebartnz (Kiwi-ised by BT) ********************************* A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a old Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, but is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley for sale, mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful. I'll take it, but you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "It's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tin of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer the tin of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he rides, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a big Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parent's house. It's the first time he's going to meet them, and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple get to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I got to tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do all the dishes." "No problem," he says, and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, and makes love to her, there on the floor. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom is kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs the girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her, right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realises it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls out the tin of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts:- "All right, I give up! I'll do the damn dishes." ****************************** Why We Love Children i) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' ii) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' iii) BARBECUE SAUCE: A woman was trying hard to get the sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' iv) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' v) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoelace?' vi) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' vii) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' viii) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' ix) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased... The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) x) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' xi) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it, and what he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!' Now if that lot didn't put a smile on your face, go back to bed and forget it, it just ain't gonna be your day........... ********************************* A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1329852	2013-02-25 05:42:00	Thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1329853	2013-02-25 07:00:00	:thanks Billy. Some great laughs :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1329854	2013-02-25 07:12:00	That improved the day a bit. (Quite a big bit.)	R2x1 (4628)
1329855	2013-02-25 07:27:00	Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres.. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'	tutaenui (1724)
1329856	2013-02-25 08:47:00	Good reading there Billy.	Bobh (5192)
1329857	2013-02-25 20:04:00	Cheers Billy! Love them!	lordnoddy (3645)
1329858	2013-02-25 20:18:00	Thanks Billy good stuff, i didnt laugh at the bible one so not sure where my funny is at the moment.... pulse is still there ;) Tut, that was brilliant Haw haw	Gobe1 (6290)
1329859	2013-02-25 23:23:00	Hahah that was fantastic! :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
1329860	2013-02-26 00:20:00	Well worth waiting for!	Agent_24 (57)
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