Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 129633	2013-03-03 21:24:00	Monday Laughs......Breaking new ground ..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1331105	2013-03-09 20:58:00	The Queen Street farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he is concerned none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. Our man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the backblocks, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the backblocks, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. “Try again” ... he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and again drive them out to the backblocks. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.	WalOne (4202)
1331106	2013-03-09 23:47:00	Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans... 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.	Cicero (40)
1331107	2013-03-11 07:15:00	My daughter just walked into the living room and said: "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house, Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said .......... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."	Cicero (40)
1331108	2013-03-11 08:32:00	Man Killed on Golf Course A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee . The ladies were not rushing,just taking their time . When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet . Then she went over and whiffed it completely, hacked it another ten feet and finally trickled it another five feet . (That's just a smidgin twice and a wee bit once for you metric whippersnappers . ) She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f#cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help . " One of the men quickly responded, "Well, there you have it . You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck . He was only 63 . . . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There are 3 kinds of men in this world . Some remain single and make wonders happen . Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen . The Rest get married and wonder what happened! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Yesterday I was at my local Foodtown store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again . I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms . I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry . The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again . (I have to mention here that practically everyone in our queue was now enthralled with my story . ) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me . I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me . I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard, but I'm now banned from Foodtown . Better watch what you ask retired people . They have all the time in the world to think of weird things to say . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart . Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?" "It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied . "Jack , forget your troubles . Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later . " "That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't think my wife would like it . " "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted . She was very pretty and persuasive . "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it . " After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host . "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset . " "Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything . By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!" I said . . . . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Today's Short Reading from the Bible . . . from the book of Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth" Then he made the earth round . . . and He laughed and laughed and laughed! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Wives are magicians . They can turn anything into an argument . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I got a new stick deodorant today . The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom” . I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-	R2x1 (4628)
1 2 3