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| Thread ID: 129633 | 2013-03-03 21:24:00 | Monday Laughs......Breaking new ground .................. | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1331085 | 2013-03-03 21:24:00 | . . You've heard the hype about the book ……….. Now enjoy the Poem (as tweaked by BT): “Fifty Shades of Grey” The missus bought a Paperback down Dymocks, Saturday, I took a look into her bag; T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Well I just left her to it, At nine I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread….. Her left hand held a sturdy rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, Then she began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Doris hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty-four next week. Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. Then things went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back onto her feet; A minute or two later; She put her teeth back in and said… That I must dominate her!! Now if you knew our Doris, You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction for The last complaint I’d muttered. She stood there nude, butt-naked like; Bent forward just a bit …. So I thought, well.....stepped forward, then, I stood on her left tit! Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; My god, what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!! Well readers, I can’t tell no more; 'bout what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet-black hair,…. Turned “Fifty shades of Grey”. If they ever make the movie, it ought to be a ripper! *********************** FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the idiot's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one , when he was shot by the woman's husband SB R2x1 *********************** I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case....time for another beer! SB: KenEsmith *********************** An old miser was on his death bed, and he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his Priest, his Doctor and his Lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin, then riding away in a limousine, the Priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the Doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." Oh!" said the Lawyer. "On the one hand I'm ashamed by the actions of both of you, but on the other it needn't play on your conscience. I took both your covers and put in a cheque for $90,000. *********************** Finally, and in a significant break from tradition, Monday Laughs is going 'live on line' (sort of)! It this one doesn't raise a laugh, nothing will, and I'll bet you watch it twice. :D Aussie comic poet video, a Tragic Tale! Trevor's TT (www.youtube.com) Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 1331086 | 2013-03-03 21:52:00 | :thanks Billy. Great as usual. I'm still laughing. Who is getting rid of their plastic chairs immediately? |
Marnie (4574) | ||
| 1331087 | 2013-03-03 22:17:00 | hahaha that was sooo funny thanks Billy for the great laugh | Gobe1 (6290) | ||
| 1331088 | 2013-03-03 22:28:00 | :thanks The best collection yet - from Doris to Trev :lol: |
WalOne (4202) | ||
| 1331089 | 2013-03-03 22:45:00 | A refuse collector in Cairns was driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He went to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he got out of his truck went to the front door and knocked. There was no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocked again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man came to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiled and tried again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' said the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," said the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'" "OK, OK." replied the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispered in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!" |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 1331090 | 2013-03-03 23:41:00 | Haha love that one Roscoe! Mike King told the same joke but it was a Maori brother "I bin in Oz" "Na, na, na where's your wheelie bin" "Oh I wheelie bin in jail!" Cheers Billy! |
lordnoddy (3645) | ||
| 1331091 | 2013-03-04 00:39:00 | Thanks, Billy. | Bobh (5192) | ||
| 1331092 | 2013-03-04 01:00:00 | An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?" |
tutaenui (1724) | ||
| 1331093 | 2013-03-04 01:04:00 | :lol: brilliant Roscoe and tut | Gobe1 (6290) | ||
| 1331094 | 2013-03-04 03:23:00 | I had to think about the difference splitting a word would make to the meaning of the sentence. :D | Bobh (5192) | ||
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